:: The Blurst of Times ::

:: 11.23.2003 ::

Here's me giving the finger to the Mahattan Police Department: *bam* That's for the outragious $120 you're fining me for missing a stop sign.

Here's me giving the thumbs up to my Resources teacher: *yeah* That's for postponing the due date of my research paper until after the break.

Here's me giving you my schedule: I will be in O-town sometime Tuesday night until Friday morning. Then I will be in Des Moines until Sunday. Then I will go back to Manhattan. You know my number and my address - check me out.

Here's me ending this.

"But that's totally feather-pluckin' insane!"
:: Freddy F. at 4:35 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

As defined by 100% of the scientific population, and 99.999% of the global populace:
Critical Habitat - specific areas within a species' range with physical or biological factors that are essential to survival and reproduction of the species, or which may require special management to maintain the species.

As defined by the George W. Bush administration:
Critical Habitat - such designations are not necessary for the perpetuation of many plant and animal species.
If someone burned down his house in the name of development, population, or agricultural interests we shouldn't care.

He would want it that way.

"If you're not part of the cure, you're part of the disease. Father Time will tell us who concedes..."
:: Freddy F. at 9:21 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Time to get political -

I have been hovering on the brink of political re-activism the last couple months. I remember how passionate I was back in high school about issues at local, regional, and global levels and I wonder where all that went. Well, I kind of know where it went, but now I wonder how I'm going to get it back. So while I wonder how I'm going to get it back consider this.

House Resolution 1904: will reduce the opportunities for citizen input into the forest management agenda and opens forests to natural resource harvesting - not specifically timber, but presently for oil and gas wells.

In an era of increase public concern regarding forest fires, the federal government is taking steps to protect rich private interests (of those living in timber regions and of private companies who want to line their pockets with federally owned timber) while completely undermining the power of the Forest Service as an institution of multiple-use and as a protector of the Endangered Species Act. I guess as long as you are going to end up filthy rich, you have no problem sending the nation to the ecological shitter.

Other information: here, here, and here.

Maybe this will be my cause.

"These bastards stole their power from the victims of the us versus them years, wrecking all things virtuous and true..."

:: Freddy F. at 7:41 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

There was a flurry of responses - all a resounding "yeah!" So let's roll with this:

1) I need to find some motivation to really crank out some good projects in the closing weeks of this semester.

2) My environmental law class for next semester got cancelled. Thus I enrolled in "Fundamentals of Acting." Hey - it's time to have some fun.

3) I met a girl. She's really nice. Why am I trying to run like hell?

"Linger on, your pale blue eyes..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:41 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

It seems like it would be pointless at this time to restart this journal unless I am going to be devout and write to it everyday. And I don't know if I can promise that. I feel bad skimming over the big things that have happened in the last few weeks (months) only to spend time in the upcoming days speaking of the drivel of day to day life. Nothing feel less accomplished. Should I restart?

In the meantime, the new Rancid album has been hitting home for the last two months.

"Well, America's a safe place if you're gonna leave it; and the rhetoric is there, if you're gonna read it..."
:: Freddy F. at 4:10 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

So now that no one cares...

But seriously folks, it has been a while, I've been a little down and, not wanting to shit on anyone with all my "burdens," I'm just keeping quiet. But now I got something to say.

First: This site has suggested I live inthe following cities, as there I may be able to find true bliss:
Seattle, WA
Norfolk, VA
Carlisle, PA
Long Island, NY
Charlotte, NC
Richmond, VA
Chesapeake, VA
Philadelphia, PA
Tacoma, WA
Cincinnati, OH
Asheville, NC
Kent, WA
New York City, NY
Bellingham, WA
Olympia, WA
Bergen-Passaic, NJ
Manhattan, NY
Pittsburgh, PA
Salt Lake City, UT
St. Louis, MO
Denver, CO
Hickory, NC
Lexington, KY
Roanoke, VA

I mostly agree, save those Washiington options, but I can forgive FindYourSpot for that because they never asked if I had any shitty break-ups in any other the suggested cities. Look for me in these locations after I have seen the European (and maybe the Asian) continent.

Secondly, I haven't written in a while, but not as long as she has. But it's good to see that she is still up and ticking... and wearing underwear (though she may just be buying it).

Thirdly, I look forward to seeing him this weekend, and anyone else who happens to swing through Lawrence for an imbibing. If not, I shall see you later.

Fourthly, the soccer season is finally over. Team El Guapo found their way to Third Place with an overall record of 5 - 3. A good season all around.

Finally, in conclusion, this is the end.

"We stumble through the yard..."
:: Freddy F. at 9:58 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Things I love:
- When I am able to work all day long and get a ton of shit done, and cross tons of things off my list, stay focused on work and not let my mind wander to [meanial] shitty topics, and look back at the end of the day and say "Man, now that was a day worth living."
- The feeling of getting voted into a difficult position in a group project with a person that I do not want to be in a group with, then being able to not have to do it because of other obligations, thus leaving the difficult tasks and poor relations to the person who got the second most votes (personal victory on so many levels).
- Return to Castle Wolfenstein. Oh my god, this game freaking rocks. The single player RPG will never go out of style in my mind.
- The popcorn that comes in those big industrial popcorn makers that you scoop into little white boxes with red stripes that say "Fresh Pop Corn Delicious Crisp" on the front. Man, that popcorn rocks.
- Having to decide what to and not to put on my resume, as I have so much stuff it won't fit on the one page.
- The drums on Toxicity.
- Kool-aid? Yeah, kool-aid is good.
- And Mitch Hedberg is still making me laugh - incessantly.
- Tight knit sweaters on girls with large breasts and the girls who sport them.
- And on a related note: Thongs and the girls who sport those.
- When friends of mine are going to make it big.
- Paying $30 bucks to golf and drink on a freezing cold tuesday morning, sometime in the future. Well, maybe I don't love that.

"Meet me in the crowd, people, people. Throw your love around, lovely, lovely..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:31 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Things I hate:
- When people steal shit. Someone stole my buddy's $1600 bike off the racks right outside our studio last week. That's fucked. I hope the person who stole it gets syphilis and their fucking nose falls off. Also, on a lesser note, someone stole a drawing off my desk - not just a drawing, but a basemap, an essential piece of datum that cannot be cheaply or easily replaced. And ideas? don't even get me started on the little shits who steal ideas...
- Group work. Ridiculous. I can't believe that at the age of 23+, in our fifth+ year of college people are still waiting until the last minute, dodging responsibility, turning in crap for final drawings, etc. C'mon, surly we have grown out of that by now. But hey, if I'm doing all the work, then at least I control the quality, right? From now on, I'm flying solo (that will unfortuanately go for other aspects of life as well, but will not bitch about them here, because I'm not sure if they fall into the Hate category).
- When people choose to ignore analytical thinking skills.
- When people ask me to do them a favor (that will potentially take several hours), then are not ready to go when I am and insist for three hours that they will just be "fifteen more minutes." And holy fucking shit - did that guy just walk out? Is he fucking leaving for the night - because I can think of at least 6 specific, plausible places that I would rather be than studio tonight.
- The fact that unless I have deadlines bearing down on me from all sides I cannot seem to get work done. I have been in studio for almost three hours tonight and have done some little things, but nothing I needed to do, and because the dealines are so far in the future, I don't really want to do them. Motivate me.
- When people give you things that aren't really their's to give.
- Playoffs sans the Mariners.
- Skunks
- Marching... anywhere
- Being sick
- Dead batteries
Enough of the hate - tomorrow, I'll show the love. (props FRS)

"This is not Churchill Downs, this is not Hollywood Park. When the field's wide open I'll pick the horse that's got the biggest heart..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:08 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Three of the best cures for sore throats: orange juice, bed rest, gargling with hydrogen peroxide. Three of the worst cures for sore throats: alcohol, staying up all night in Seaton Hall quite possibly the most germ-laden building on all of campus, going several hours without drinking anything. Guess which of these lists I was able to accomplish in the last 24 hours... and suprisingly enough: my sore throat is dwindling. I guess I won't be dying. Whew.

If I could just throw this out there in response to this: Why don't you move the computer to the living room? Just a thought...

Here is what I am addicted to listening to: Sytem of a Down, Postal Service, Patty Griffin, and Mitch Hedberg. That is going to be this month's audial recommendation. So there ya go.

I don't know which I miss more: my drums or girls. Maybe everyone should vote.

"It seems so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex, a stranger with a door-key explaining that 'I'm just visiting'..."
:: Freddy F. at 9:15 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Gad, I'm fucking sick. I haven't felt this bad in such a long time. I always look for the precise reason "why" I am sick, and frankly, I'm just not finding one.

So because there is no explanation, I can only assume this is going to kill me. Thought in the shower: "Dying from some undiagnosed, yet easily preventable disease is a pretty shitty way to die." I am even skipping a soccer game in case that improves my odds of living through mid-week. I wish this kid was of some use yet.

In other news, I am creating a memorial for the September 11, 2001 World Trade Center Incident. Nay, I am being blackmailed (with my acedemic design cred hanging in the balance) to honor this horrific event, in memoria. To quote a Mr. Koolhaas: "In spite of Bloomberg's pragmatic sobriety, the transnational metropolis is enlisted in a national crusade. New York becomes a city (re)captured by Washington... Instead of the two towers - the sublime - the city will live with five towers, wounded by a single scything movement of the architect, surrounding two black holes." So the design is taking a decidedly unpleasant genus loci.

"I'm ashamed to mention my anguish but silence lies empty..."


:: Freddy F. at 9:29 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Let's hear it for checking the "Latest Posts" list and scoring again - check this out. Yeah, any blog that quotes Weezer - Pinkerton in the first paragraph is going to make this list. Anyway, that's my recommendation for the day.

So, I'm officially going to get back to blogging for real, where I talk about my life and mind and whatnot at great length and you can all skim them. The best way to start is to catch up on current events, let's see...

Ah, went to a nice kegger last night, congrats to the kids who pulled that off, as even faculty was there. Nothing like pumping the keg while your programming professor is filling his red Solo cup. And the tail, man if that's what I lose when I become a professional, then I don't want to grow up (more on this in a moment).

Also went to my favorite bar, who happened to be playing Johnny Cash all night long - there's a good reason they're my favorite - kudos and respect all around. I decided that the death of Johnny Cash is monumental enough to warrant someone writing a good song about it, but the only person I can think of who'd be cool enough to write a eulogy-song for the Man in Black would be Johnny Cash himself, so alas.

Also had a really good conversation with a cousin this past week - it's funny we're the same age, have experienced a generally similar life, have lived proximate to each other all our lives, and yet have never been very close. So the phone call was in order and I think when I look back in several years, I am more likely to beleive the advice given was very good advice, though now I am not sure I'm going to take it (again, more on this in a moment).

Also, (I'm not going to go into much detail about this, for social reasons, but) I felt the love from classmates this past week. Almost a sense of unity, something that is utterly lacking in my graduation class of 18 - 20 kids. Knowing that these are inevitably the people that I will see for at least 10 to 12 hours a day for the next nine months (as I have seen them for the last four academic years) I have tried to make social connections with them, but they never have seemed real and have never lasted. It seems like everyone may be too introverted to do social activities, too tied up in one-on-one relationships, too concerned about what everyone else thinks about them, whatever, maybe I just have BO and overyone is having fun around me. But this is the last year I will be with these people, the last opportunty to get to know them adn they me, and I'm going to give it the good ol college try. Social gatherings galore. It's worth a shot.

And finally (I promised I'd get here), the girl situation. Last week I went bike riding and while on a trail, fell down a flight of railroad-tie steps, landing on my back with my bicycle on top of me. This hurt my back very badly, and maybe someday I'll have a nice scar to show for it, but in the meantime, it hurt to move or sit or lay down on anything but my belly for about two days. This sucked, but I fixed my bike and plan on going back out again. The point is, I was bucked down a flight of stairs this summer, and I've got some open wounds. It's going to hurt for a while. Everything hurts right now - there are so many memories of her here, nothing I can do to escape it. I once said that if I lost her I would never be able to come back here - and yet here I am, for the next eight months at least. And she's even here too. And I somehow see her quite often, even though I'm trying to avoid it.

In any case, the point is that currently it hurts to move, to think, to go to class, to stay home, whatever. I think I'm not as strong as I once thought I was. This is not retreat, this is an objective survey of the state of things. I will become stronger - I will learn to live without her and other girls - I will focus on who I am, what I can do, and what I value. I must be alone. Or: this is the advice that I get from everyone. Internally, I think I am trying to do as mcuh as I can to sabotage this strengthening work, so I'm fighting the battle on a couple fronts here. The gist of it is: if you see me trying to get tail at a kegger, politly toss a cock-block in my direction and remind me why I need to leave that party alone.

In closing: it's Saturday night and I'm in studio - at least I'm not at home watching shitty anime.

"Gotta good feel for dancin' tonight, gotta good feelin' ever'things gonna be alright..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:22 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Maybe I should get back into this blog thing.

But for the time being, we shall mourn.

Dressed in black, how apropos...

"Oh, bury me not on the lone prairie where the coyotes howl and the wind blows free; where there's not a soul that will care for me. Oh, bury me not on the lone prairie...

:: Freddy F. at 9:12 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

August - the Dry Month.

Yeah, it's been a while, but it's always hard doing the transition thing. I want to anticipate that this next and final year is going to just rock my socks off, but I'm not sure what I am basing that on, and I'd really hate to have let myself down come next May. So let's just reflect on what has happened this year, so far:

- I realized that it is a really bad idea to take a class that I absolutely don't need and have already read most of the books to be assigned. This becomes a double mistake to take the class just because the Ex is taking it and I am trying to make a dedicated attempt at friendship. Fuck this friendship, as she is obviously too uncomfortable to even say "hi" when she is standing behind me in the line at Subway. Class dropped, and as soon as I get his bass back, I anticipate that friendship (in terms of contact) will be over too.

- The creative juices are flowing. While I think I may be to some degree morally opposed to it (or at least the timing of it), I am designing the WTC memorial for my studio class - and I think what I am coming up with is pretty solid. I'm feeling like I might be doing some thinking outside of the box a little more than I have in past semesters. I'm not sure what this is a result of, but I'm loving it. I love creating and the more powerful and tantalizing it is, the better.

- I have learned that a trip to Europe might be very inline for this coming summer. Moreover, there maybe a solid opportunity for me to get a job while I am over there, in my field in which I will have a degree, so this may have lots of opportunity for me. Still: do not rule out a Planning degree or a Law degree.

- I threw the first Grillin' of the year - I will rate it a success, which is about a four on a scale of five. When it came down to it, I really didn't do much besides invite the people, but I must have done a pretty good job of that because there was good turnout. The show was stolen by a rambunctuous three-year-old, fantastic cupcakes and key-lime pie, and a secondary grill when the Weber just proved to be not enough. Shortcomings: I need to work on the timing of my grill preparations because there is no "quick grill;" There needs to be more seating around the house - in and out because even when warned, people are not prepared for that.

- I learned that if college football starts at 11am and doesn't stop until 10pm there is really no reason to leave the house. In conjunction, I learned that if it is raining all day long and I have reading that can be done at home, there is no reason to leave the house. And finally, I learned that if I have a damn nice house, then there is really no reason to leave at all. Except for booze.

So, that's the month in a nutshell. Hope everyone has a pleasant labor day weekend, as it has been raining for the last 36 hours and shows no signs of letting up here.

"I wish I had known you, I wish I had shown you all of the things that were on the inside..."
:: Freddy F. at 2:00 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I'm back at school.

Bitchin'... right?

"I hang with a bunch of hippies and wacky tobacco planters, who swallow lit roaches and light up like jack-o-lanterns..."
:: Freddy F. at 7:11 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

The wedding - the unification of two kindred spirits in a holy, lawful, eternal bond that will stand the trials of all time. For the two people I saw wed on Saturday, I wish you the greatest and best of lives together. I will say that now, because frankly, I have no idea what I said about anything that night. And a wedding is a time for raising our glasses to the things we appreciate, so in the spirit of that, I salute the following:

Friends: Here's to making new ones, catching up with old ones, and making new ones out of old ones.

Ladies: Here is to lovely brides, beautiful bridesmaids, and my ability to spend some quality time with them instead of drunkenly chasing less fantastic women.

Booze: Here's to having no tolerance, an unlimited supply, and a bartender who says cutting with water is for pussies.

Chicken: Here's to Chik-Fil-A, Chik-Fil-A, and, my god I love Chik-Fil-A.

Enterprise Rent-a-Car: Here's to you guys being a bunch of fucks with hidden fees, shitty cars, and just no class at all.

The Couple Sitting Next to Me on a Five Hour Flight from Detroit: Here's to you two containing yourselves just enough to not fuck right there in front of me - thanks for capping off a weekend of renewed hope in love by committing adultry.

Alright, that's all - I'm dry for a while. I will be packing the computer up tonight for about the next two weeks. Writing and responding will be intermittent. Thank you all for reading and enjoying my little bit of the Internet. Most of you I will call/see in the next few days anyway, but until next time -

"It's time for me to shed this skin..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:24 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

It's sick to say, but sometimes it feels good to not be the only one who is love-lorn. I'm never glad to hear of someone else's suffering, but it puts things into perspective when you hear about someone else who is struggling with issues of girls, boys, marriage, "comfort zones," dates, long-distance, relationships, and the inevitable "I'm off to [way-the-fuck-away], hope things are sane when I return." To everyone who can't seem to understand how what she is saying relates to how she is acting - stay strong, hang in there, be patient and she will come around (or she'll get the fuck away and someone better will come along). To everyone who wants the answers, wants to know for sure, wants to make the 'right' decision - have faith and hope, and know that time will make everything clear. These people and their problems have put my issues into perspective and for this I thank them.

On to greater news: I am leaving Tacoma tonight. I will drive out of town and not return for 72 hours. For the last 6 weeks I have blamed Tacoma for dragging me down, for stifling me, for sucking the life out of me, and crushing my spirit. I have blamed a lack of familiarity, a lack of friends and family, a lack of entertainment for these lingering woes. In an hour I will shave my face, shower, and allow this to be an allegorical cleansing. I will wash away everything that I have built up inside me. I won't think about her. I will stop wondering about her, if she's happy, what she's doing, who she's with... I will stop. There is nothing to remind me of her on the airplane. I have my book, my gum, my hat, all things that have nothing to do with her. There is nothing to remind me of her on the East Coast. I will be 2500 miles removed from this girl, this town, this situation, and I refuse to look back. For 72 hours I will be on a drug called "Not Here" and it is going to take me away. I will meet new people, have new memories, drink new drinks and taste new foods - I will speak of the unconstitutional war of northern aggression and I will wait anxiously for hurricanes. No fine southern bloodhound will smell the Tacoma Aroma on me. The furrows on my forehead will gradually space themselves out and be replaced by the tiny wrinkles in the corners of my eyes. I will seize opportunity this weekend - it is mine to be won. I have waited for this for six months, partially with no idea what I was really waiting for... and now the hour draws near that I will turn my back on the snow-capped Mount Rainier and will speed forward through time to a different land, across three mountain ranges and in the salt-spray of another ocean. This weekend is mine and nothing (no one) will stop me from celebrating.

"Wings, don't fail me now..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:31 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Four Movies and a Phone Call
Yeah, that's what we could sum up this weekend - my last offical weekend in T-town. I think most of it was worthwhile. We'll tackle the best parts first:

Old School
This was the first in a series of movies selected to prevent me from thinking about real stuff - and it did the job well. It was very much in the vein of Animal House and PCU and you know what I think? Good for it! I feel like there could be a good movie like this about once a year without doing much harm. Each character seemed to be just right for the chosen actor, right down to Craig Kilborn as the asshole boyfriend. Man, who didn't see that one coming? Plus, I think it's the first time I wasn't repulsed by Will Farrell being stupid - it was more like he was acting smart, trying to overcome being stupid, instead of the usual vice-versa. Overall, left me feeling good - an anxious to return to campus.

Drowning Mona
Really, you can't go wrong with a DeVito, a Midler, a Curtis, and an Affleck... oh, wait, Casey Affleck, the guy who's voice is far too deep for his boyish looks? Eh, maybe not. Really, I enjoyed the movie, I just was hoping for more hijinx. I like movies where all the characters are so intertwined that anything could happen. And I like movies where it takes a cut through "real life" much like any experience cuts through "real life": when you are following a single story, but it shows or refers to other lives that you just glimpse at - specifically the undertaker was a pretty good character. So it was funny, just not roll off the couch funny. I guess this capped my 24-hour Will Farrell movie fest.

Cowboy Bebop: The Movie
Yeah, this was really cool - it felt fun and well paced. I rented the DVD - I usually go with VHS, but I felt like I should have the full widescreed going because I expected the visuals to be rockin'. So tell me, those of you who have seen this, does a lot happen in Chapters 26 and 27 - I suppose those are pretty important being two of the last three chapters. Yeah, you'll have to tell me sometime because the DVD fucked up and skipped over these chapters, thus dumping me in the final scene of ultimate justice and retribution, and no real idea what happened. I fuckin' hate technology because in the stone age, when something broke, it just fell apart; now things fall apart with such nuclear disaster proportions that it just fuckin sucks. I'm crossing the movie off my list because I feel like I have seen it, but just between you and me - I might have missed some of the finer details.

Spirited Away
It took a while for me to get into this movie, but once I did I was hooked. It was beautiful and powerful. Like Life is Beautiful, the actual story was pretty trite - nothing special or particularly original, but the way it was brought together was fantastic. And the attention to detail - it wasn't so much something that I ever felt like I missed, but once it was there in front of me it all it's brilliant glory, I think I fully appreciated it. Thankfully this DVD stuck it out and worked the whole way through. I think, when it's all said and done, I might like cartoons more than movies, because 1) there is nothing that can't be done, irregardless of special effects, anything can happen; 2) there are no actors to insert their subconscious prejuduces, like when watching Old School and seeing Vince Vaughn and really thinking a lot about Swingers; 3) there are no flaws to take away from the purity of hte story and the message - I feel like this puts more pressure on the writers to come up with something worthwhile, not just the latest Will Smith vehicle; 4) cartoons can appeal to more people at more levels because they work into the imagination better than just film.

As for the phone call: It's hard to make pain go away. No matter how many times I say I can get through this without getting upset, I get upset. I take offense to things that I know I have to right getting offended at, and there are so many things that I could say but think-twice and keep inside that I just eat myself alive and the conversation peters out. I feel bad about this, but you know, I'm really not that responsible for this, and if I'm a hard person to talk to these days, try sitting within earshot of the inside of my head. There's a seat I'd like to vacate sometime soon.

"You said 'no worries' then I should have known, everytime I've heard that phrase I've been let down, guess I have no one else to blame but me, even when I know it's wrong, I still want to believe, another half apology, another broken promise..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:40 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I was going to complain about how I don't want to watch any of the movies I own. Instead, I'm going to go rent a movie.

More details later about getting rid of all my movies...
:: Freddy F. at 12:36 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

So because the personal life had nothing to offer me at the moment, I decided to turn to the worlds of news and fake news. And just between you and me: now I think I'm even more depressed.

And when no one is blogging, it just feels like the world has slowed down to a dull hum.

So the most exciting news of the day is a midwest storm a'brewin'. I think that last line is expecially poetic.

And the M's are putting the whooping stick to the A's - good for them.

"Lookin' out a dirty old window, down below the cars in the city go rushin' by, I sit and I stare and I wonder why..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:20 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

My life is full of ups and downs all resulting from a single person/event. Frankly, I'm wondering if it isn't boring me. There has to be more than this - I mean, yes, it was significant, and yes, I was badly hurt, and no, the pain doesn't seem to be going away... but really, is that all there is to life? I have to pry myself out of this rut. For the more interested reader - things are fluxuating madly with the "ex" (finally bringing myself to deal with this as an official breakup), so I have no idea where it is going, where we are in relation to good/bad, what I even think about the whole situation. So maybe I will stick with what I know:

- Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I have not been killed, though scraping bottom isn't a bad description. But I will rise - I am the phoenix. The glory I once had will be restored - feathers may char, but the soul will not and out of this, I will bloom. Strength training - physical, mental, emotional, psychological, intellectual - focus.

- In two weeks, a very good friend is getting married across the country. This will be a very exciting trip. This may be a huge party - or it may be something completely not a huge party. The point is: all of it is out of my control and for the first time in six months I will be able to freefall and am willing to land where I may.

- I have no place that I have to be. For the next nine months, my course is charted. After that, there is nothing tying me to anything, geographically, personally, socially, or occupationally. While there will be certain financial obligations, the vast majority of my life is a completly blank slate. It is mine to write and record. I think this may be the closest I have ever come to true freedom.

- I still have not seen Europe.

- I want to buy a house and fix it up. I'm not even sure if I want to live in it (real estate is one of the best money making opportunities ever).

- Good friends surround me. Everyone that I have talked to in the last three - four weeks has been more than supportive. I feel like everyone is reaching either out to help me or in to understand me. Some day, if I haven't already, I will repay the favor to all of you. Anything more I have to say about this is cliche, but thank you all.

- I wish the best of luck to people starting new lives, driving long roads, or waiting to explode. Our day will come.

"Giddy up, Phil, giddy up indeed..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:44 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Today I learned that I am able to utterly change my mood, attitude, and outlook on life with no external stimuli whatsoever. I was working on cutting out presentation boards, just minding my own business, when these thoughts start going through my head. I don't think it is really prudent to specify exactly what they were - suffice to say they involved the person I have been thinking alot about lately - if you're down, you know. Anyway, I was having a really good day and then I start thinking all these bad thoughts and I get into a little bad mood. And the thoughts keep getting worse and worse - it's like they were building on themselves. Nothing tangible, mind you - there may or may not even be any basis of truth in these thoughts, I just keep thinking about worse and worse situations. And it was like, whether they were true or not, I was buying into them and simply making myself angry. And I looked at the clock and a total of, like, forty seconds had gone by and my mood had flipped 180 degrees. Then I figured out what I was doing, so I tried to undo it - failed. "Try not-thinking about a pink elephant for the next 30 seconds" - you can't do it. So I couldn't turn my mood around. Morning ruined. Thanks a mil - getting your ass canned: it's the gift that just keeps on giving.

Fortunately, the afternoon went a lot smoother.

Before I go: The best version of "Pink Triangle" can be heard on no CD, vinyl, or .mp3. Only on my phone.

"When I think I've found a good old-fashioned girl, then she puts me in my place..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:38 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Mixin' shit up.

"You feelin' me..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:08 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Great Googily-moogily! (Things that are fucked)
1) The "people" have a hard time learning to distrust liars. We still believe cigarette companies, movie stars, and the president. Why? I don't know. The cops won't even believe me when I say I'm Walkin' for Peace, but no one will stick it to the president (or his advisors) for flat out lying to his employers. Let's say I go to work, tell the people at work that we need to invest all this time and effort (life?) into some project that turns out to not even be a project. Further, once we get done fucking up some site, we are stuck with the bill to even bring it back to its previous decrepide state. Yeah, I'd get fired, in a heartbeat. The best sound bite I've heard: If we are going to impeach the last president for lying, it would only make sense to impeach this one as well. At least logic is on my side.

2) My skin is peeling like a mofo. In one area its flaking off in dandruff-like bits, covering my desk, computer, and all papers at work. In another area it has become a scaly lizard-like covering that is still burned underneath and itchy as hell. In a third area, it is peeling in huge pieces, doesn't hurt, but requires some skill and finesse to slough off those big sheets. I can do this for hours.

3) Haven't enough people broken my heart - do I really have to keep doing this to myself? Something that is so close to the surface, like having a huge flesh-wound that is just barely scabbed over and all I can do is keep scratching at it and poking it and tearing at it, and I wonder why I'm bleeding to death. Let's see if our hindsight can't piece this together: Date girl for 3+ years, live together, share everything together, get dumped, continue hanging out, spend halfhour drive home asking her how her life is and continue talking about how shitty your life seems. Wow, smooth as fuck, I am. It's a wonder she doesn't come screaming back, really a wonder. And in the end, what do I really want. I'd be happy with her back, right? I'd be happy with her gone, right? Everytime I think I might know the path to happiness, something changes, something gets said, some idea pops into my head, and suddenly I know nothing.

4) The very fact that at the age of 22 I know nothing for certain, especially regarding: Life, the Future, my wants/needs/desires, Asian History, Girls, and Cricket.

5) I am wavering between dedicated anti-materialism and comfortable domestication. The former requires I begin losing some of the larger items that I have accumulated over the years: a bed, drums, TV & other entertainment equipment, etc. There are other people out there that need them more than I, it will be a lot easier to move if I'm not carrying millions of huge things, having nothing allows me to make a clean break from the last four years of my life, something that I feel like I don't want to forget, but sometimes want to bury in a closet for a while. The latter requires that I continue moving tons and tons of stuff as long as I keep changing locations (one more year, knock-knock), keep buying things costing me money that could go to maybe better uses, and prevents me from just cutting loose and leaving everything behind to do whatever I feel like I need to do to run away. Currently, the former is winning, but only because it is so expensive to move or store stuff. Check back tomorrow - things might be swingin back the other way.

6) Mets: blowin' it tonight. Mariners: blowin' it tonight. Yeah, that's all fucked.

"Broken bottles, life is so hard... Oh, we made it through, not always but most..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:00 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

My last four days have been O-town saturated.

Begin at 9pm on Thursday: Drive from Tacoma to Sea-Tac. Fly from Seattle to Dallas, fly from Dallas to Omaha. Walk across the city. Visit home to suprise my father for his 50th birthday. Grill chicken dinner and watch fireworks. Drive to friends' house, play cards until dawn. Sleep. Wake up and work on motorcycle - burn in the summer sun. Help parents move furniture for remodeling of house. Go swimming. Grill steaks for dinner. Pick up old friend, visit tons of friends. Play poker and almost double my money. Eat at IHOP. Drive to Epply Airport. Fly to Dallas, fly to Seattle. Whew.

I would like to thank everyone who made an appearance this weekend, either at the airport, at the walk, at my house, at someone else's house, or at the airport. You are what make all the miles worthwhile. I promise that in August I will be around long enough to chat awhile.

Making the Scene: Tonight I was riding in the car when the DJ on the radio began to speak. I hate this situation, but just before I change the channel, I hear the phrase "Saddle Creek Records," so I turn an attentive ear. This DJ is raving about the "up-and-coming" music scene from Omaha. "The greatest indie music scene" - he goes on and on about this. Good for them - too bad no one realizes the best music in Omaha isn't rockin' on the Creek.

"I'll tell you what's wrong with you - I'll tell you what's wrong with me too. I'll tell you everything about me..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:23 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Here's some props:
His is a good movie. Drip-drip. Well done. Also, he's right, this will be a very important year for the walk to be strong. Let us show our support for peace and utter disdain for war-mongers. Omaha, here we come.

And basically all you've done is jack, buddy. I'm tired of reading those movies, so let's get some bloggin' on.

I am pulling a defunct link, and replacing it with one that is less prosaic.

And because he says that I haven't done this yet, I will be writing about...

My Thoughts on Marriage
I don't really like the idea of ever lying to anyone, and for this reason, I don't beleive in marriage. I think that it is possible to find someone who makes you incredibly happy. I know for a while I beleived that I had found someone that I wanted to share the rest of my life with. To be honest, I have done this a couple times, with a couple different girls, to different degrees. But part of being me is knowing that my life is ever changing. Some days I want a little of column A and somedays I'm feelin more column B. I know that when I found that "special someone" it lasted more than a day, but I also know it felt so real, so good, so true, that I could only assume it would last forever. Had I been of different mindset, at some point in time I would have wanted to get married to this "special someone" just because that is what you are supposed to do.

The idea behind marriage that makes me uncomfortable is having to make a selection once and only once (well, that is the idea anyway). At the pinkish age of 22 years, how the hell am I supposed to make a decision that will directly determine my happiness for the rest of my life? It seems unreasonable to even think of this, and I am constantly amazed at the number of people who seem to have (luckily?) chosen correctly. For a number of years I was happy to wake up next to a certain someone. But what if that feelnig had changed? To what degree do I honor a piece of paper, some contract that I signed when I was barely old enough to vote, let alone predict the future?

The idea I have is of a contract of free will (what a paradox). Every night I have the freedom to assess whom I would most enjoy being with. More than likely, I will choose a single person - this is my goal, to find that someone who matches and compliments me for the rest of my life. But what if I change, or they change, and I don't want to be with them anymore? Then I am still supposed to choose them? I beleive that the contract of marriage means nothing to me, that I have seen enough loveless marriages to know that a piece of paper, no matter how many dollars you spend, is still just a piece of paper. I beleive that the way I show my undying devotion to a single person is by choosing them each and every night, knowing that I (or they) could go out and be with someone else at any time, I choose them again and again because they are the one I truly love. I do not beleive that making a decision once is an eternal promise, but an eternal promise is shown by a lifetime of unyielding regard and respect.

Some people need marriage as a way to acheive a dream, or because it is so engrained into them, or for whatever reason. And i respect this - and if it all came down to just that fact, that single piece of paper, then I could go through the motions, pledge myself eternally, and get married. But I just don't see the need for it, if you truly have faith in the relationship.

"And on that day what else could I say? I'd say 'Here's to you stayin' drunk, adn here's to all your good luck (you're gonna need it)..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:53 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Alright. I probably owe you all a big explanation. I'm sure I've been ambiguous, partly because I don't really feel like typing out the whole story (and to tell it right, it may have to be pretty long) and there is the underlying fear that if I put it out there in real words, it becomes all that much more real, serious, and final. But enough dilly-dallying - it's time to cut to the chase, so here are my last two weeks:

1) The Girl
So we have dated for pretty much the last four years - three-and-a-half-ish, to be technical. Very serious all the way through. Ninety-nine percent of the time we were a perfect couple, but underneath there were always a couple issues. And while they were nagging, it seemed like they could be glossed over or ignored, not out of niavitae or being callow, but because the rest of it was just so damn good. Then the 99% started falling. Times could be tough, and more than once I thought 'Maybe this isn't forever.' but I never put a date on it. This spring we lived half a continent apart and it seemed like that made things better. For a while. Then she decides her future plans have changed - suddenly, I'm not as desirable, not because of who I am, but because of who I see myself becoming (or not becoming). So we come to the conclusion that after spending this summer together, we will return to the University and go our seperate ways. This time being four months away, I wasn't sweating it, plus maybe she was right and it was time for change. But then she gets out here and she's not happy. She doesn't really want to see me much. She spend half her time sleeping and the other half of her time with friends in another town. I invite her to do things, she says no, then goes and does them with her friends. She mocks me, chides me, and ridicules me. She makes me angry and sad. Finally, she comes to me and says 'I need to take some time to think - away from you. I will call in a couple days.' I tell her 'Fine' and anxiously await her call. Five days later she calls to tell me she is moving out for good. This is devastating. On Sunday, she moved the last things out of the apartment, thereby cruching my heart, my soul, and my spirit.

2) The Job
I have spent the last 6 months on a professional internship. I have learned tons. In the beginning, everything I learned I thought was invaluable; everything I did was part of this great process that I wanted to do for the rest of my life; the people I worked for and with were gods among men, unfailing heroes who could do no wrong. After 6 months, my perspective has changed - I get mad when people give me work that isn't mine, and when they never volunteer to help me when all the shits falling on my head. I disagree with decisions, I loathe some of the work I do, I feel cramped, and they wanted commitment for a year from now and I didn't want to concede that. There were certain things that made this firm great and successful, but these things are being forgotten as business picks up and that worries me.

3) The Future
The gist of all this is that until Monday afternoon, there were a lot of issues weighing down on me. Not only was I feeling more alone than I have in a long time, I was feeling cramped by the work, uncertain of where I was, where I was going, what I should be doing, or where I even wanted to go. But something turned around that afternoon. I regained something I feel like maybe I had lost sight of - I don't know what this something was: maybe being back at design work again, maybe going to a meeting and getting to interact with real people I can help, maybe some conglomeration of itty-bitty details that I will never be able to piece together in a thousand years. All I know is that Monday night I felt like I just might be strong enough to make it without the girl, maybe working for this firm for a while would be a good learning experience, an opportunity to build some knowledge base and a solid professional reputation, maybe life is taking a turn for the better. Thus with the turning of the month, flipping into the downside of the year aught-three, I feel like a whole person, self-determined and sure, able.

And keep in mind: the near future includes a Walk of Peace from the [mighty] Missouri to the [rambunctious] 168th Street. That's 11 am, July 4th. Walk of Peace - because this year, it's for real!

"Give us any chance we'll take it, give us any rule we'll break it. We're gonna make it on our own - doin' it our way..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:32 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

The last week has been so very very hard. I have been so close to the bottom. So angry, then so sad, then so furious, then so hopeless. It's been terrible. My outlook has been so grim, dismal, dark, glum. This should explain why I haven't written in so long. Soon, when I don't have to go to bed, I hope to get the whole story down right here.

But for now: maybe, just maybe, things might be on the upswing. Nowhere left to go, right?

"Somewhere in America: it's late at night, and you're far from home, but you know it's gonna be alright..."
:: Freddy F. at 2:04 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Tonight, I will weep.

But tomorrow: I will "cultivate my own garden..."

"Ruby's heart is beat-up, 'cause she knows the feelin' is gone. She's not the only to know that there's somethin' wrong. Two lovers in the distance as she wipes a tear from her eye. Ruby's fadin' out, she disappears, it's time - time to say good-bye..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:31 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Things I like:

New television shows.

The sweet aroma of revenge.

Finally earning that badge.

Oh, and bunking with beautiful ladies. Hatchi-matchi!

"Gimme-gimme something to hold on to..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:42 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Alright, followers, I'm going to let someone else take over the blogging responsibilities for a quick sec - it's work time, she's bored, the phones aren't ringing, what's a kid to do. Beats chasing Lady-H:

"Head strong I'll take you on..."
See, the "big rumble" is about me loving someone who doesn't share the same passion as I do. Like showing the person you can totally see yourself with for the rest of you life that you love them. I never once thought I'd feel more like a burdon and not so much his pride and joy. "Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just blind..." Maybe I'll just have to face the fact that I'm not the ONE. Yikes, talk about a crush to the heart.

What a bunch of crap! I'd like to think I'm make it easy for him too love me. Even it means breaking away from his self indulging habit.

He loves me, he loves me not................................ Oh! and be easy - it is my first time.

Well, there you have it - posting like a pro, that's C-Lo on the bold-side. If you need me, I'll be spinnin' in my pad all the live long weekend, just me, and Hamlet, and my new baseball, relaxing. Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll even hear that phone ringin' and see my number on the screen.

"I feed you dignity to stand with pride, realize that all in all, you'll stand tall..."
:: Freddy F. at 4:11 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

See, things are turning up Fred again: Tonight I went to see the local AAA team, the Tacoma Rainiers. Bottom of the first, right handed batter pops one foul, I had to do nothing but stand up to snag myself a sweet souvenir.

Yessss...
:: Freddy F. at 1:09 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Well, I hate to be a negative-nelly, but it's time to face the facts. It's over. She's bored with me. It was fun inthe beginning because I was all rebellious and fun and "scary and weird," but now I'm just old hat. I can't excite her anymore, I'm the boring "parent-figure," and everyone else is the fun fun fun people. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I guess everyone has to take their medicine sometime. I hope that she is happy with the decisions that she makes - I will do my best. I'm thinking Europe or at least New York might hold some answers for me.

I promise that I will write better after this - I just need a mourning grace period. Soon we'll be back to the hub-ub of my exciting work life.

"I know your children will be beautiful - I just don't ever want to know that they exist at all..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:21 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I see black sails on the horizon.

I can smell a storm brewing.

The gates of hell are creaking open.

"I see a bad moon a-risin'..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:48 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Things that have happened since I last posted something here:

She finally hipped-up to the World Wide Web. Welcome, enjoy the porn, stay awhile.

I have been across the northern border into Canada and found that it was... blase. Except for the bikes. The bikes were fantabulous! So cheap, so tough, to cardiovascularly beneficial. But I wasn't really down with the whole money exchange thing - I now am the proud owner of 62.36 dollars Canadian; which at this latitude is just so much paper and metal.

I took $15 dollars from some Indians. Technically, I won it. I beat their ruse to steal back the white-man's land one $5-minimum-bet at a time. My good buddy did not fare as well, as he got the casino equivalent of smallpox. Seek balance my friend.

I sent the RSVP to my first high school friend who is getting married. This should be a lot of fun, this wedding it should be. Especially if I can get that car I want...

I awoke with the sun and played some European football. In reality, one really must warmup before partaking in strenuous activities such as sprinting for eighty minutes. It anyone tells you differently, they are filthy liars.

I watched a AAA baseball club blow a solid lead in the top of the ninth and lose their game. This was not near as depressing as it would have been if I hadn't had four hot dogs digesting in my stomach.

I climbed a mountain. It wasn't much but it was a mountain. I climbed to the very top and looked down upon all of creation adn thought "This is how God must have felt when he climbed this mountain." Then I laid outside for upwards of six hours, freezing and waiting for dawn to finally arrive, and when it did I fell asleep and had the worst nightmare of my life. Even worse than the nightmare I had when I was fifteen where I stole my dads car and went riding around on dark roads until I ran over some random guy.

I ate some part of an eel, and some part of an octopus, and the skin of a salmon, , and the rolls of california, and some part of a clam, and some parts of some shrip, and the legs of some crabs, and the guts of some mussels, and the crepes of some crepes and some tiramosu. I was full. I felt sick the next day. Maybe I just should have had the roe. I also had the opportunity to see a 14 ounce lobster tail ripped from its shell and devoured by a very hungry kid.

That is everything that is currently my life. The rest is just work, which is boring and lame, but the boss is out of town for the rest of the month, and you know what they say: While the cat's away, the intern has to learn how to forge his signature for the permit document submittals.

"A sullen riot that is raging through her mind..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:52 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Man, what a lame blog.

So just as I tell everyone that this blog is a funny, good thing that is worth taking a few minutes to check on periodically, I promptly stop writing and make it a very big waste of cyber-space. But at least I have good links.

To keep you up-to-date on the most important current events:

1) The Royals blow. Yeah, I watched them try to hang with the big boys in Seattle Tuesday, that's right Section 334, Row 4, Seat 13. Bam. Right there I saw what I could only describe as a fluke. Where's your messiah now, you bandwagon hoppers? "Go M's!" I say in my best Seattle-voice.

2) There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The man who keeps claiming he is the president is acting like another man who once claimed a presidency. Thank goodness we have Indiana Jones and the boys from the Flying Circus to preserve those priceless historic artifacts, because those state of the art tanks and jets aren't doing it.

3) And I just got the official word from Kuwait: it's fucking hot and they have no air conditioners. Mild-impact nuclear weapons, star wars programs, and big business tax cuts but they still can't provide cold water to desert warfare.

4) Soon the real test will begin.

"Why have you forsaken me? In your eyes forsaken me? In your arms forsaken, the self-rightous suicide..."

:: Freddy F. at 12:04 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Someone who has seen the Matrix: Reloaded - do I need to see those nine intermediary cartoons before I see the full-length film?

And speaking of film: I am very sorry that I did not have this information sooner, but starting next week is the 25-day Seattle International Film Festival. So if you are considering visiting in the next 25 days, that might be something you want to look into.

What? The Jessica Lynch rescue was exaggerated and exploited to suit the United States war cause? The government lied about their enemies? Why do I feel like I'm constantly watching Wag the Dog?

"I never wanna walk alone, I never wanna see the sun come up, and it's all because of you..."
:: Freddy F. at 3:10 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Current goal in life: Make my Europe trip exactly like the trip in Rules of Attraction. Maybe less 'cid.

A line I never get to use as often as I ought:

"I only fucked her because I'm in love with you..."
:: Freddy F. at 2:44 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Quick post:

I am considering a trip to Europe May/June of 2004.

All interested parties: the line begins here...
:: Freddy F. at 12:57 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

No matter what the last week has brought, on this fine Friday night, here is the number one thought in my head: Congratulations to everyone who will be graduating from college this weekend. You all make me so very proud. As for the rest of you who will not be graduating sometime this month, well, four years is for pussies. Am I right?

For the last month, working my job has been a little like being the smallest, most-effeminant criminal on cell block two. But now, I'm feeling a little better about the whole thing, more like the guard of cell block two - not the top of the food chain by any means, but not quite taking my meals standing up anymore, either. Here's the gist of the situation: my company needed to hire two people, a senior project manager and an office assistant / intern-type person. I applied for the intern position, I got the intern position, and since they hired no one else, I also got the senior project manager position. Alright, swell, but I think I should get a raise.

And what better way to end a week? By eating cheap sweet&sour chicken and watching Americas Funniest Home Videos and laughing until I wretch.

By the way - if anyone needs a place to live this summer, there is still just one room left up for grabs.

Have a happy Mother's Day Weekend. Tell your Mum you love her dear...
:: Freddy F. at 12:01 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I feel like I am on the brink. Will I fall or will I fly?

Success or failure, a hair's-breadth apart.

Why am I not paniking? Oh wait, I am...
:: Freddy F. at 12:26 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Well, I wasn't going to write tonight, but I was moved by the music. M2 was showing the most "controversial" videos, as hosted by Mr. Andrew WK. And I was flipping between that and some other stuff, you know, they show Robbie Williams pulling off his skin - whatever, Michael Jackson smashing windows - whatever, Sir Mixalot talking about posteriors - whatever. Then they got to the meat and fucking potatos of the show. First they play the (video) unedited Jeremy - kid sticks a gun in his mouth, I did not realize that part occured. So, yeah, cool, blasts himself, unedited. Then, the completely unedited version of Eminem's Stan - with "fuck"s and "shit"s and locking the pregnant Dido in the truck and all. Makes me remember why four years ago I knew Eminem was on to something. Damn, it was the best thing I've seen on the boob tube in quite some time. In my mind, there is very little controversial than that - everything else is just guys saying "bitches" for the sake of saying "bitches."

Also - 1 1/2 hour bike ride = taint pain. Gotta condition.

"Clearly I remember, pickin on the boy, seemed a harmless little fuck..."
:: Freddy F. at 2:50 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I have to stop going to book stores. They are killing me. It's like visiting a past lover whom you never really got over, and seeing them happy and alive and full of peace, while you are twisted and crumbled inside, choking on your own stink. There are so many books that I need to read, everytime I go in to a bookstore, the number just grows and grows. Classics, recommended books, authors that I have read and enjoyed once and now need to wee what else they have written, books whose covers strike my fancy, everything. I once had the brilliant idea of keeping all the media I needed to indulge in, in a single list. Now that list is almost killing itself in sheer magnitude of albums, movies, and books I will never get around to listening, watching, or reading.

Case-in-point: today I discovered Edward Gorey. I don't even know where to begin, but I feel like I want to read every single thing he's written. And every time I go to a bookstore, it's like that with a different author or genre. Still, I suppose it's better to be hopelessly curious than endlessly jaded.

"Heroes die - off everyday, like fathers that would never stay..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:13 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

See you later, you fucking counter, teach you to not go where I tell you to. Let the record show I was getting close to the big 1G when I gave it the axe.

Speaking of axe: Sorry, Bebop, but you had to go. No updates since February just won't fly around here.

I rode my bike for an hour tonight. That is one hour in the last eight years. I'm am saddle sore. So-o-o-o-o-o-ore.

"I dig pain. I feel it in my veins. The smashing, the crushing, the killing, the maiming, the giving and the getting and it all driving me insane. I dig pain..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:06 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

So, Miss Aviril Levaigne (whatever, not sure of the spelling on that) was performing mere blocks from my office tonight. Bad night to have to work late, no respect for the working class those kids have. I'm really out on how I feel about this girl. I mean the elitist in me is saying that she (and "The Corporation") is destroying everything that punk stands for and wants to put a lead pipe through the head of the whole thing. On the other hand, the libertarian in me says that she is a toll, but that is her bag and who am I to bitch about it. I feel a little better about this latter option. However, I do not tolerate 16 year old kids tossing beer bottles at my truck and then flipping me off when I ask just what the fuck they think they are doing. If feel like an old guy sitting on his rocker in the front porch saying "You kids these days, you got no understanding of what it was like in my day. In my day we..." yada yada yada, whatever. Damn, no good kids, I hope they all get the clap.

"I was a young boy who had big plans, now I'm just another shitty old man..."
:: Freddy F. at 2:50 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Wow, two blogs in one day, I must be "on" something. And by "on something," I mean, drunk. And by "must be" I mean, "am."

Yeah, so I decided that I had spent a week not doing this paper. And during this week I was sober. So naturally, if I was not sober, the paper would get done. And... well, it's done. How 'bout that.

But also, a little something about Fox television:

1. There are no original comedies. Only new gimicks. Oliver Beane - what's that all about? Nothing. The whole thing is hackneyed, it's just "interesting" because it is set in the fifties. It's like someone redid I Love Lucy, only the parents sleep together and they say dammit.

2. The Simpsons, has achieve the impossible, and aged. While it was beleived that since they were cartoons they would be protected against the problems that face other TV shows: stars aging, getting into trouble, become "known" as that character, etc. The essence of the Simpsons was that they were every family and did things that every family does, experiences life from a "real" perspective. Now all they do is poke fun at pop culture and thus, themselves. It was good when they didn't know they were on TV. Now, they know, and that part isn't funny anymore. but they did just make fun of Blink-182, so they got that goin' for 'em.

Oops, sobering up. Back to the bottle...

"As I try to find a place to take a stand, only wind up sitting in this place again, with a Didjits song stuck in my head, trying to think I might have said..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:03 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Well, sorry to those 5,999,999,998 of you who did not get the chance to vote regarding my spectacular decision of what I should buy. But to the two of you who did: I may be both investing in a small independent film and sticking some of it into saving. And for the rest of you in suspense: the winner is... the bike. Yes, I am the proud owner of a new mountain bike. It was a close decision between the "cruiser" bike with one gear and a classic form, and the mountain bike with 21 gears and the utility of being able to be ridden anywhere.But, the lure of the mountian trails around here finally won out.

The part of being a working man that sucks the most is that I still have not finished school. In three days I am supposed to have a paper in the hands of my department head in Manhattan, Kansas., two thousand miles from where I now sit, staring at a computer screen and trying to motivate myself to write. I worked 145 hours in the last two weeks, handled projects worth more that my entire life, and made decisions requiring professional knowledge and expertise - to create a three page paper about my experience doesn't seem like something that I should be dealing with. But, I am just bitching - five days ago I was pissing about them giving me too much responsibility and work that was way over my head, now its just the opposite. I just need to knuckle up and write the damn thing. Still, I feel like pulling an RJP and just calling up ol' DanDon and telling him I'm just not going to be doing this paper.

Congratulations to Kevin Millwood - good D, buddy, good D.

"Back off your rules, back off your jive, 'cause I'm sick of not living to stay alive. Leave me alone, I'm not asking a lot, just don't want to be controlled..."
:: Freddy F. at 9:10 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

So I have been really busy - like insane busy, like three straight nights of less that three hours of sleep busy. Like two days without eating busy. Like if I don't hurry up and get all this stuff done, I'm going to look like a fool in front of a bunch of architects, clients, engineers, and worst of all, my boss. So what do I do - bust my ass. Monday through Wednesday were 18 - 19 hour days. I had my weeks 40 hours done by WEdnesday morning at 4 am. Now, after 65 hours, 6 meetings, 2 presentations, 5 projects, and endless phone calls, emails, change orders, and almost a whole roll of trace, I am done. Pooped, beat, but not beaten. I have triumphed over the likes of Grass Lawn Phase 2, MultiCare, Ellensburg City Hall, and Northeast Library, and now have the chance to catch up. So lets catch up.

Chronologically: Monday morning I realized that I was in shit up to my eyes with a certain project. The architects were losing faith in my company, my boss was losing fiath in me; my world was collapsing and I had no idea what was going on. I've been thrown into a situation being a project manager, managing projects that I have no more than 2 months background on, projects that are worth around a sum of 3 million dollars, projects that involve doxens of people and groups, and projects that should be mangaed by people who have many many years of experience in this field, not necessarily by people who have yet to graduate college. But here I am. And lord knows I was never one to turn down a challenge, not matter how ill-prepared I may be. In anycase, I spent almost 40 hours trying to catch up, fix up, and not further fuck up this project; finally I got what done I needed done, moved on to some other things, spent another late night, and finally got it all done - or at least contained to some degree. All in all it's a weight off my back.

So with that out of the way: This movie, I guess it's going to be all the rage. And rightly so because it's excellent. Actually, I haven't seen the movie. "But Fred, how can you know what the movie is going to be like if you have never seen it?" you say as you furrow your brow in a fruitless attempt to grasp the situation. Because I have read the book. That's right kids, I was the only person on gods green earth who know what they meant when they said this in the commercial. I was in on the fucking ground floor on this one - like freshman year ground floor. Booyeah. Booyeah, indeed.

So I have this issue, since I work so much, eat so little, and have no one to really spend my money on out here iwth me, that I have a lot of moey accruing at a pretty decent pace. I need to buy something - something kind of substantial, something I wouldn't normally buy. In the past I have purchased such items as: a quess sized bed, a digital camera, plane tickets, and a set of drums. Things on my list to buy include: an electric guitar, a new bike, a new stereo system. But I can't decide. I even went out and looked tonight for something and still couldn't figure out exactly what I wanted. So I want people to email me to let me know what I should boost the economy with. Maybe it's even something as practical as paying down some of my car debt, stocking some into a savings account, or donating it to a charity (if you suggest this, please specify the charity). But really, think fun, for my sake. So let me know what you think I should do. Polls will close Sunday morning at 12am PDT - I hope this works for me better than it did for him.

And related to spending money: I found out there are batting cages near my house out here, so I went out tonight and bought a baseball bat. A classic wooden, Louisville slugger, 34oz. So I buy it and while exiting through the front door, a guy cuts in front of me, bums into me, and says "Watch it, clown" and I ahve to stop to think for a moment. I am walking out here, carrying a baseball bat, an object that has been used millions of times in very aggressive action, sometimes even on other human beings. And it's not like its in a bag or a box or antyhing. I'm just carrying it around - in my swingin hand, nonetheless.And this guy is telling me to watch it? I have been in very few situations in my life were I held such an obvious upper hand. And after breifly reflecting the possible outcomes of braining this man int he doorway of sports authority, I simply smiled to myself and walked into the night.

Well I think that's everything. I hoep everyone is enjoying watching the cherries bloom - I sure am.

"I've got: pockets full of kleenex and lint and holes where everything important to me just seems to fall right down my leg. And onto the floor. My closest friend linoleum..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:43 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Just in case anyone forgot: Weren't there supposed to be very deadly weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Wouldn't they tell us if they found these weapons? Where's the weapons, Mr. Bush? Justify your actions, dear sir.

And the current state of society: not really suprising. This show, Mr. Personality, supposed to be all about not chosing a mate because of their looks. But why is anyone going to watch the show - because the punchline is when she falls for a guy who looks like Vance Colvig, Jr. But no, we're really supposed to believe that Fox now cares about more than huge boobs.

But maybe the real joke is that everyone is okay iwth the fact that we are superficial and vague and reckless and careless - maybe no one cares that four thousand years of meticulously preserved artifacts will be lost forever - maybe no one cares that thousands will die to boost the ego of a little bully from texas - and maybe no one cares that we really want to see either two hot people be miserable together or a good looking girl find herself stuck with an ugly guy. Maybe there just isn't the demand to be more than shallow anymore.

But in the meantime - yeah, he has liked the spurs for a very long time now. And just for the record, fifteen years from now when the Mets finally put a decent team together, he has liked them forever too.

And on a very high note - I had a swell weekend with my sister, touring and flitting around the Seattle area, so I'd like to thank her for making the trek out here and for having a good time listening to me drone on about the merits of artificial turf fields.

"And told me 'never think twice. You can't second-guess how to live your life..."

:: Freddy F. at 11:58 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Yeah, I'd say I was dead fucking right about that poor sucker in Nebraska. Would you like some freshly grated pepper on those words, sir. Just like to say "I called it."

I'm tired, so I'm going to bed. I'll write more later.

"I'll bring home the bacon bits. We'll make my parents grandparents. I'll take you our for breakfast at night, and then we'll go to sleep..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:34 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Alright, first, before I forget, I just read this blog - it was on the "recent posts" list and it had "Nebraskan" in it, so I thought I would check it out. This kid is a punk fucker. I thought my senior prom went poorly...? This kid's going to be in for a shitty spring by the sound of it. For some reason I am a lot more nostalgic about my high school days, than it seems like he will be. And I couldn't have even told you if anyones breasts were real when I was a sophomore. So everyone who shares a little "Nebraskan" in them should check out this kids site before Saturday. [omitting obvious joke about my old lady here]

But, in the meantime, I seem to be out of the slump a little. A couple late nights at the office seem to have brought me around a little bit - unfortunately, putting design into AutoCAD isn't quite the same as the actual act of designing, but for the moment, it's payin the bills. So thanks to those of you who had suggestions on how to pull my ass off the couch - maybe I'll hit up that coffee shop after all.

Just to let you know that I am doing very well out here and really taking care of myself, I will let you in on my grocery list:

Squirt
Henry Weinhard's Private Reserve Amber Ale
Nestle's Crunch Ice Cream Bars
Applesauce
Doritos
Fritos
Easter Candy (spec. York Peppermint Patties and Whoppers)

And while we're on the topic of food, just so you know Doctor and Ms. Garbo I still have a whole gallon of milk, a whole box of corn puffs cereal, a whole loaf of bread, and four chicken breasts from a month ago that *gasp* never got eaten. Now I have to throw away food and feel like a jackass.

"Somethings keep me goin', but I got no one to blame. Five o'clock is comin', do you feel the same? When the lonely whistle calls out your name..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:45 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Man, I'm fucking glum. I'm in a rut, I'm bored, without direction, and overall just spinning in oblivion. I need to built, design, create, I need a project, something dynamic to move me. I feel like I have all this energy and no place to put it. It's like muscle that if you don't work it, it just turns to fat - well all my creative energy is turning to some sort of gelatinous sludge somewhere underneath my liver, causing me do be able to do nothing other than go to work and watch the M's. I can't even finish the movies and books I'm starting. Nothing. I'm stuck.

But thanks to everyone who called this weekend - it was almost record breaking the number of people I talked to. You all rock.

And at this point in time I am going to blatantly give the bandwagon the ol' bird finger in the face - the Royals suck. Bring those bitches out here to the West Coast and my M's will show them the true meaning of "thank you sir, may I have another." Hmmm, that trash talking felt good - am I just lacking competition in my life.

Yeah, something is missing - I wonder what it is. I have a feeling it isn't on TV - I should stop watching so much - it's fucking addictive, I'm stuck in a groove of Simpson's/King of the Hill until 7 and then the M's until 10, then cartoon netwrok crap and metal videos until I loaf off to bed. I need a swift kick to the nuts of my energy and start moving.

In the meantime, I think my digestive track is really fucked up. Ugh.

"Nothin' seems much fun anymore to me. Don't feel like goin' out, nothin' worth singin' about, missing the alcohol..."
:: Freddy F. at 7:19 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I am many Ben Folds songs. Not a one of them happy.

"It was pain, sunny days and rain. Who knew you'd feel the same way?"
:: Freddy F. at 8:53 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

So what is up with this show 24? It used to be I was able to "follow" the story line by seeing the commercials - understanding what had happend the week before by the commercials for the upcoming week. And a while back Kiefer was supposed to die and I was truly intrigued at how they were going to keep the show going for another half-season without him. Then I see a commercail today and he is alive. What happened? Was it a simple jump-out-of-the-crashing-plane-and-miraculously-live kind of thing? Some one let me know - I just got through all the Sopranos, I don't have time for two whole seasons of 24.

And now, as I am watching "extreme metal" or whatever on M2 I am discovering the root of my dislike for a lot of the metal that is coming out these days. It's too glam. It seems like we've gone back to the day of big hair, tight pants, and tattoos determining how successful the band is going to be. The best metal acts around today: System of a Down, Godsmack, Tool, Thumb, downset, etc - these are all bands you couldn't pick out if they were walking down the street. Not that Marylin Manson didn't have his better points, but I am afraid the whole glam thing lost him a lot of credibility. Maybe the underlying theme is that you can't dress up good music - it all comes from the heart anyway, it;s just the best stuff you can really hear that heart. And it doesn't hurt to have your video directed by Darren Doane.

Coming soon: Conscientious objector meets conscientious nihilist...

"Trying to break ground with everything I've got to show - 'cause if there's one person on this Earth I've got to please, it's me not you..."
:: Freddy F. at 2:22 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Okay, so if I like breasts, then Mr. Tom Robbins really likes vaginas. Apparently, in his mind, the solution for Cowgirls who get the Blues is a lot of sex and celebration of sex. And big thumbs. I think that was metaphorical for something... where's Mrs. Baine when I need her.

In the meantime, on a more serious note, someone I work with in my office (there are only seven of such people) got fired last week. This was a little disconcerting, on about the same level as the time I took my construction crew chief to court - where he was tried, sentenced, and led off to jail for the next three months. Granted, there were differences between this office enployee and the office owner, in personality, professional practice and the like, but I've only been there one-tenth of the time she had been, and I screw up too, so should I be worried about my job? I get the impression, no. But still, because of my new arrival did I contribute to or hasten this departure? The week prior there was a lot of work that bottlenecked at me (mostly through my own fault) and she was "detained" by the boss to come in late to get things done. Not that she cleaned up my mess, but she did help. I feel better because she currently had two offers out on the table for other jobs - I find solace in this. I'm just treading in some pretty deep waters at work, doing all I can to keep the head above water. Thank god baseball season has started.

But with TV baseball comes commercials. And I am sick of commercials. These movie commercials are killing me. Fuck being in phonebooths, fuck having "ten fingers and ten toes," fuck being a little cinderella princess, fuck being a novel black man running for president. These car commercials are killing me - is anyone that stupid to buy a car for any single reason that they are giving us in these ads. Obviously, people must be or else they wouldn't be showing them, but seriously why can't these people fall into the sea and drive to Atlantis and get the commercails there and just leave me alone. [On a related note: If you have purchased a Hummer, Suburban, Tahoe, Excursion, or alternate luxury "SUV" and you have purchased it because no other vehicle will take you offroad with as much capability as that particular vehicle, please let me know because I will personally send you one thousand dollars. If you have purchased it because you really have no dick, then just sit back and relax because you have now all but tattooed it on your forehead and your message is more than clear to all the rest of us.] The only commercial that I actually respect these days is the one for the Women's Final Four that has that song that says "I-I-I-I-I-I am a giant!" and has that UConn girl flexing because she could very much kick my ass. Good for her.

"Code red, code red: because this rocket heart's on fire..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:50 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Today was a learn-ed day - in that I learned O so many things:

I learned that when no one is here with me, I dont' seem to talk any less. Just less people talk back. I seem to hold just as many conversations at a semi-audible level as I used to hold with other people. I learned this because I catch myself holding conversations at work when it is just me sitting at my computer working or drawing. This is a little bizzare. I feel like this is the point where I should be going crazy, and yet I feel perfectly sane. But then there is the whole Catch-22 thing where I should feel sane, if for no other reason than that I am crazy. In the meantime, I will discuss this situation with myself.

I learned that hangers come is packages of 13. This is just wierd. Moreover, they cost $0.88. Why is this? Why don't they come in packages of 10? Maybe 15? Why don't they just make them 10 for a dollar? I would pay that. Gladly. Hell, all I needed was five, and I probably would have paid a dollar for that! A dollar is nothing, especially for anything bigger than my hand. Why 13? It isn't even a dozen - and not only is 13 not any sort of rounded number, its one of the only numbers with entirely bad connotation. I don't get this. Maybe they are trying to not sell hangars.

I learned that I really miss the college campus in warm weather. Why? you ask. Because warm weather is when the college boobies come out to play. It was warm here over the weekend and I happened to be out and there were thinly-veiled breasts everywhere. And it's not like I'm a dirty old man, as any college person can attest to - on campus there are literally hundreds of girls who would love to show off their amazingly shaped bodies between their chem-one and intro to humanities classes. And now that I'm stuck in an office all day, I feel deprived of this ritual show. I love the female figure, especially the part that makes them so wonderfully mammal. I just miss the Manhattan two(s).

"I miss the candy bars, Pizza Huts, and Seven-Elevens (you got it, you got it) Don't leave me stranded here, I could get used to this lifestyle..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:08 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

What the fuck?!? The March 19th New York Times Crossword is a fucking cheat. As a theme for the puzzle was apparently "box." Not the word "box." Not some funny spelling of "box" like "bocks." No, a little picture of a box, like match___, like ___score. Fuck this. Next time they'll have me drawing a little flower...

Scheisters...
:: Freddy F. at 12:59 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Fuck you and yours for ruining my fucking bracket...
:: Freddy F. at 11:59 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I spent my entire day in meetings. Good: the day goes by quickly and no real work has to get done. Bad: the day flys by and no real work gets done. Verdict: Having to bring work home sucks.

This phrase makes no sense: "Ten fingers, ten toes, twnety reasons to die." It's from the preview to that new movie Bulletproof Monk, which looks a lot like every Jackie Chan movie ever made. I think some writer had the idea that it might sound tough, and people would leave it at that and not think about it, but in reality it doesn't even sound tough. It sounds fucking stupid. It is phrases like this, that come from movies like that, that make me not want to even bother to leave my home to ever see movies again. I hope when my friends start making their movies, they don't put crap like that in them.

And speaking of stupid quotes (I was wondering how I would segue to this...) taken from the newspaper "I just wish all the people who were protesting the war would stop whining and rally behind our troops who need our support, now more than ever." I would like to say this: Yes, they are protesting a war. Because that war is still continuing, it would make sense for them to continue protesting. Furthermore, being arrested for civil disobedience is not whining, I would say about 180 from it. Furthermore, there is no logic behind saying "support our troops by supporting war". In fact it seems to me, that just the opposite is true. I support and respect these people, friends on mine are soldiers, I care about these people. Because of this, I don't want them to die. I don't want them to be in harms way, so I don't want them fighting wars. On the other hand, people who support war, are supporting the idea of using (invaluable) human life to achieve some other (greater?) end. They want my friends to be used as pawns so they can have "homeland security," or cheap oil, or tax cuts, or whatever. They don't support the troops, they support a fear-ocracy, that chews up 19 year olds and spits them out in pine boxes. Next time someone asks you to "support our troops," tell them you do, and tell them you want the war to end.


Long quote here. Peace.

"Who's that shining forth-right man about to die behind me? He's waiting for the portress to send me head over heels. Who's that black-heart four-star general walking up the hill, to ask the liberals nicely to help finance his private war. And before you trust that man, when he puts the rifle in your hand, sings you songs of pageantry and grace. And how much you want to bet on the other side there's a man with twice your pride and they put you feet first in an unmarked grave..."

:: Freddy F. at 12:02 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Addendum: 20 to 1.

Fuck me, Friday...
:: Freddy F. at 11:31 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I don't know about you, but this is starting to confuse me a bit. It is like being single for years, then suddenly dating a nympho... and they say chaffing is the least of my worries.

Because more and more movies are juxtaposing rap with things that (used to be) are thought of as traditional white, male, protestant activities (ie politics, being a successful businessman), does that mean that rap is becoming more or less accepted by the traditional, white, protestant males? Does this mean that punk must be on the horizon of popular movies now? Can't wait for the Wendy O Williams version of "Burning" Down the House with Steve Martin.

I'm watching the A's bat-around for the second straight inning against my adopted Mariners. The score is 17 to 1 in the 4th. Apparently, the Mariners have traded their entire staff for a pitching machine.

I had a big diatribe all thought out about the Oscars and the war going on and the blatant self-gratification by the Academy, but...
1. Then I heard about Michael Moore and what he said, even though I don't know exactly what it was, I hear it was "clever"
2. Everyone who reads this is a friend of mine, and most of them were gathered in a single location for the purpose of watching said awards, so I hate to burn those bridges, and
3. I'm watching March Madness and Spring Training baseball, so who am I to judge.

Y'all have a rockin'est good day. Peace.

"Beware the opulence inherent in confusion, when reality's obscured by clouds of disillusion. We plummet to the earth like scores of fallen angels; play out our tragedies on broken, weathered stages..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:28 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I am so happy! Tony and Carmella finally had sex! Yea, episode 20! Oh, I wish, I wish I didn't know how it was all going to end...

"Let's get it on..."
:: Freddy F. at 9:25 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Whew, what a whirlwind.

I kind of understand how my parents must have felt when the kids grew up and left home. It's so quiet around here these days, just work and dinner and book and bed. I look forward to the excitement this summer may bring.

Happy birthday to this wonderful 22 year old. Buy yourself a Bud Light for me.

And, speaking of Bud Light, guess who I got to drink one...

Good use of the Link, my friend.

So who's ready to fight the war to save peace? If I had registered for the draft, I'd be pretty pissed right about now.

"It was the sound... of silence..."


:: Freddy F. at 11:58 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

So this guy, the cornerstone of stability is changing is location on the world wide web? My goodness, the world is in turmoil.

And speaking of turmoil, I don't even know how to feel about the whole Iraq thing. I thikn I had to just stop supporting any of the possible outcomes about a year ago. It is now looking like war is inevitable, it has looked this wya for a while, and there is just no place for the non-war-monger to stand. If I want to support American soldiers I hope for a quick resolution with as little bloodshed as possible - but this certainly leads to a reckless and destructive war, will most likely end up most bloody for the Iraqi people. Or I could hope for as little bloodshed as possible (ironic in a war situation), but will this ever lead to a satisfactory resolution to the point where soldiers could actually come home? Likely, no. This is tough. Sucks that the deadline for the end of the world as we know it comes on someones birthday.

But on a lighter note, I'm now 10/52nds of the way through watching every Sopranos episode. Bada bing, eh?

"Times, they are a-changin'..."
:: Freddy F. at 10:26 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Fuck this war, right Karen?

I'm back, I just got nothin' to say.

"My mind is racing as it always will. My hand's tired, my heart aches, I'm half a world away..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:03 PM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I am an Ironic Military Supporter.

I say I don't support the military, but time and again I find myself partaking in the militaristic ways traditional to the US Army, ironically. I have a military style haircut, I keep militaristic rigor in my daily routine, I wear army pants (cutoff), adn I carry a WWII map satchel everywhere I go. But I don't support the army, not not-ironically anyway.

But: The old lady is flying into town tonight, so this is the last you'll be hearing from me for a while. Yup, gonna be pretty busy now that the gal is here. Busy, um... talking politics. Yeah, that's it, talking politics a lot, hopefully several times a day, ooooh yeah, politics...

Gad, I bet my mom reads this.

"Monday night I'm makin' Jen, Tuesday night I'm makin' Bren, Wednesday night I'm makin' Jasmine, oh why can't I be makin' love come true..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:15 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

Here is my advice to you, because obviously checking your blog once every twenty-four hours qaulifies me for a trip to hell: kill the dog, the world is better off without them. Just kidding, no one kill anything, that would be evil. I want to tell you to move out, so I will. Move out, cough up $100 and get out, living alone rocks, and if you have friends to call, then it's just all the better. Moving won't take that long anyway because you don't really have that much stuff and I'm sure you know someone with a truck you can borrow. There, that should get me atleast up to purgatory.

Good for you for using the system to beat the system. Hang on to your money and make the most of the time you have it.

Congratulations to Straight Outta Junior High for getting their semi-original TEOTH played on Futurama last night. It made my heart warm wtih joy. And just so you know, I'm still working on setting up places to play out here, but it's truly slim-pickin's.

Enough with the links already, time for bed.

"But at once I've started blowin' somethin' up, just to watch it fall, pick it up again. See the pieces right in front of me..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:38 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

I feel good about myself because I emailed my grandparents to "just say 'hi.'" I'm such a good grandson.

And on a completely different note: It is nice to live alone. It is less nice to be alone. But I do spend less money, so that's a plus.

ESPN is holding a rights debate on SportsCenter. A girl on a basketball team won't look at the flag during the National Anthem and some coaches are upset. However, according to ESPN, the "bigger issue" is the right of coaches to allow students to play when they disagree on "rights" issues. Glad ESPN could nail down the "big issue" for me.

"She said (she said), cool is always easy in a shitty school..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:30 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::

C'mon blog, don't fail me now...

Last night I tried to blog, and the thing was down during my peak blogging hours (curse you pacific standard time zone), so you got nothing out of me. So tonights edition is going to be a little extra long, commencing with things that I have learned in the last few days and ending with an email I sent to my aunt regarding my reaction to certain liturature and culture.

I feel like this was a big weekend for me learning things: I learned that while it can take $5 and five minutes to fix a tail light, it is going to take three weeks, $75, and possibly two people to ifx that mirro I busted off. I learned that while Omaha thinks that Omaha is where Malcom X was born, Spike Lee doesn't agree. Moreover, Spike Lee does a good job of opening my eyes. And on the topic of movies: If it were possible for American Psycho to not make much sense for 2.5 hours, it makes even less sense if you try to just watch the last hour and a half adn think that is the whole movie. I learned that there are few things as depressing as war and growing into elderly, and I am afraid that I will not be albe to hide from wither forever. I learned that I know none of the words from REM's "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" despite the fact that I have owned the album for about a decade. And I've learned that a weekend spent reading is still not a weekend wasted.

An interesting theme that I picked up on in Electric KoolAid Acid Test was that it was only for a split second that any idea was in a pure state before it became corrupted by pragmatic concequences. To begin: the idea of acid tests, both by Kesey and Leary, was to experiment and study the results. But when everyone else started doing it, there appeared flaws that were inherent in the whole process. Or: The idea of filming a bus ride across the nation in a pure state, versus the results of that bus ride and the technical requirments necessary to actually make a bus ride (of any kind) have any sort of success. And finally: the whole idea of acid tests as group events was a natural extension of Keseys own plans to experiment. But the implications of exposing thousands of people to mind-altering substances obviously had detrimental effects, even before the question of legality was brought into the picture.

I started to see this pattern in lots of different things. One of the first was the pseudo-punk culture in which I immersed myself in high school (I only say pseudo-punk [or post-punk] in order not to offend any of those who still claim the "only" punk was PIL, the Sex Pistols, or the New York Dolls). I got into bands like Rancid, NoFX, the Exploited, etc, bands that didn't get radio play, that no one had heard of, that still released stuff on split vinyls. To me, this was pure, unadulterated, IDEAL. Then, as the punk movement grew, more adn more bands kept cropping up, it got easier and easier to reproduce similar sounds, and the whole scene, everything that I had once taken pride in, got watered down. Like Kesey, the further time progressed in the movement I surrounded myself in, the less able I was to control that movement, and the less I enjoyed the movement.

I have seen things since then: the progression of Landscape Architecture from an extention of architecture a century ago to the experimentation adn ecologic conscience of the 60's (suprise, suprise) to now where it seems like we are being churned through to be little more than CAD jockeys and draftsman and the principles, the IDEAS that once defined a trade are beign lost. I have seen "Steal this Movie" based on the life of Abbie Hoffman, adn the IDEALS that they once stood on, crumble over time and even as the movement gained popularity, it was falling apart. It's like silly-putty: in a glob it's stable, has strength, has form; when you pull it, it becomes finite, stretching to cover area, but getting thinner and thus weaker. (A trite analogy, but sufficient).

I read these things and think about the essence of ideas and, beign 22, wonder how this all impacts me. Everywhere around me I see things like they are all watered down, like global warming has already risen the seas and its all been dilluted by the ocean water. I want to be someone who has IDEALS that they live by, someone who creates something for people to believe in, the glob of silly-putty. But it will never work to model myself after someone, because if I could do that, then I am simply taking what they have already done, and am no better than the bands riding the punk rock coattails to fame. So I have to come up with something totally new. As Kesey said, everyone has to graduate, to move on from doing the same things over and over again and create soemthing different, continue to experiment and grow.

"My friend drove off the other day, now he's gone and all they say is you gotta live 'cause life goes on..."
:: Freddy F. at 2:53 AM [+] ::
:: (0) comments ::