:: The Blurst of Times ::

:: 7.22.2003 ::

My life is full of ups and downs all resulting from a single person/event. Frankly, I'm wondering if it isn't boring me. There has to be more than this - I mean, yes, it was significant, and yes, I was badly hurt, and no, the pain doesn't seem to be going away... but really, is that all there is to life? I have to pry myself out of this rut. For the more interested reader - things are fluxuating madly with the "ex" (finally bringing myself to deal with this as an official breakup), so I have no idea where it is going, where we are in relation to good/bad, what I even think about the whole situation. So maybe I will stick with what I know:

- Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I have not been killed, though scraping bottom isn't a bad description. But I will rise - I am the phoenix. The glory I once had will be restored - feathers may char, but the soul will not and out of this, I will bloom. Strength training - physical, mental, emotional, psychological, intellectual - focus.

- In two weeks, a very good friend is getting married across the country. This will be a very exciting trip. This may be a huge party - or it may be something completely not a huge party. The point is: all of it is out of my control and for the first time in six months I will be able to freefall and am willing to land where I may.

- I have no place that I have to be. For the next nine months, my course is charted. After that, there is nothing tying me to anything, geographically, personally, socially, or occupationally. While there will be certain financial obligations, the vast majority of my life is a completly blank slate. It is mine to write and record. I think this may be the closest I have ever come to true freedom.

- I still have not seen Europe.

- I want to buy a house and fix it up. I'm not even sure if I want to live in it (real estate is one of the best money making opportunities ever).

- Good friends surround me. Everyone that I have talked to in the last three - four weeks has been more than supportive. I feel like everyone is reaching either out to help me or in to understand me. Some day, if I haven't already, I will repay the favor to all of you. Anything more I have to say about this is cliche, but thank you all.

- I wish the best of luck to people starting new lives, driving long roads, or waiting to explode. Our day will come.

"Giddy up, Phil, giddy up indeed..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:44 AM [+] ::