:: The Blurst of Times ::

:: 9.14.2003 ::

Let's hear it for checking the "Latest Posts" list and scoring again - check this out. Yeah, any blog that quotes Weezer - Pinkerton in the first paragraph is going to make this list. Anyway, that's my recommendation for the day.

So, I'm officially going to get back to blogging for real, where I talk about my life and mind and whatnot at great length and you can all skim them. The best way to start is to catch up on current events, let's see...

Ah, went to a nice kegger last night, congrats to the kids who pulled that off, as even faculty was there. Nothing like pumping the keg while your programming professor is filling his red Solo cup. And the tail, man if that's what I lose when I become a professional, then I don't want to grow up (more on this in a moment).

Also went to my favorite bar, who happened to be playing Johnny Cash all night long - there's a good reason they're my favorite - kudos and respect all around. I decided that the death of Johnny Cash is monumental enough to warrant someone writing a good song about it, but the only person I can think of who'd be cool enough to write a eulogy-song for the Man in Black would be Johnny Cash himself, so alas.

Also had a really good conversation with a cousin this past week - it's funny we're the same age, have experienced a generally similar life, have lived proximate to each other all our lives, and yet have never been very close. So the phone call was in order and I think when I look back in several years, I am more likely to beleive the advice given was very good advice, though now I am not sure I'm going to take it (again, more on this in a moment).

Also, (I'm not going to go into much detail about this, for social reasons, but) I felt the love from classmates this past week. Almost a sense of unity, something that is utterly lacking in my graduation class of 18 - 20 kids. Knowing that these are inevitably the people that I will see for at least 10 to 12 hours a day for the next nine months (as I have seen them for the last four academic years) I have tried to make social connections with them, but they never have seemed real and have never lasted. It seems like everyone may be too introverted to do social activities, too tied up in one-on-one relationships, too concerned about what everyone else thinks about them, whatever, maybe I just have BO and overyone is having fun around me. But this is the last year I will be with these people, the last opportunty to get to know them adn they me, and I'm going to give it the good ol college try. Social gatherings galore. It's worth a shot.

And finally (I promised I'd get here), the girl situation. Last week I went bike riding and while on a trail, fell down a flight of railroad-tie steps, landing on my back with my bicycle on top of me. This hurt my back very badly, and maybe someday I'll have a nice scar to show for it, but in the meantime, it hurt to move or sit or lay down on anything but my belly for about two days. This sucked, but I fixed my bike and plan on going back out again. The point is, I was bucked down a flight of stairs this summer, and I've got some open wounds. It's going to hurt for a while. Everything hurts right now - there are so many memories of her here, nothing I can do to escape it. I once said that if I lost her I would never be able to come back here - and yet here I am, for the next eight months at least. And she's even here too. And I somehow see her quite often, even though I'm trying to avoid it.

In any case, the point is that currently it hurts to move, to think, to go to class, to stay home, whatever. I think I'm not as strong as I once thought I was. This is not retreat, this is an objective survey of the state of things. I will become stronger - I will learn to live without her and other girls - I will focus on who I am, what I can do, and what I value. I must be alone. Or: this is the advice that I get from everyone. Internally, I think I am trying to do as mcuh as I can to sabotage this strengthening work, so I'm fighting the battle on a couple fronts here. The gist of it is: if you see me trying to get tail at a kegger, politly toss a cock-block in my direction and remind me why I need to leave that party alone.

In closing: it's Saturday night and I'm in studio - at least I'm not at home watching shitty anime.

"Gotta good feel for dancin' tonight, gotta good feelin' ever'things gonna be alright..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:22 AM [+] ::