:: The Blurst of Times ::

:: 7.02.2003 ::

Alright. I probably owe you all a big explanation. I'm sure I've been ambiguous, partly because I don't really feel like typing out the whole story (and to tell it right, it may have to be pretty long) and there is the underlying fear that if I put it out there in real words, it becomes all that much more real, serious, and final. But enough dilly-dallying - it's time to cut to the chase, so here are my last two weeks:

1) The Girl
So we have dated for pretty much the last four years - three-and-a-half-ish, to be technical. Very serious all the way through. Ninety-nine percent of the time we were a perfect couple, but underneath there were always a couple issues. And while they were nagging, it seemed like they could be glossed over or ignored, not out of niavitae or being callow, but because the rest of it was just so damn good. Then the 99% started falling. Times could be tough, and more than once I thought 'Maybe this isn't forever.' but I never put a date on it. This spring we lived half a continent apart and it seemed like that made things better. For a while. Then she decides her future plans have changed - suddenly, I'm not as desirable, not because of who I am, but because of who I see myself becoming (or not becoming). So we come to the conclusion that after spending this summer together, we will return to the University and go our seperate ways. This time being four months away, I wasn't sweating it, plus maybe she was right and it was time for change. But then she gets out here and she's not happy. She doesn't really want to see me much. She spend half her time sleeping and the other half of her time with friends in another town. I invite her to do things, she says no, then goes and does them with her friends. She mocks me, chides me, and ridicules me. She makes me angry and sad. Finally, she comes to me and says 'I need to take some time to think - away from you. I will call in a couple days.' I tell her 'Fine' and anxiously await her call. Five days later she calls to tell me she is moving out for good. This is devastating. On Sunday, she moved the last things out of the apartment, thereby cruching my heart, my soul, and my spirit.

2) The Job
I have spent the last 6 months on a professional internship. I have learned tons. In the beginning, everything I learned I thought was invaluable; everything I did was part of this great process that I wanted to do for the rest of my life; the people I worked for and with were gods among men, unfailing heroes who could do no wrong. After 6 months, my perspective has changed - I get mad when people give me work that isn't mine, and when they never volunteer to help me when all the shits falling on my head. I disagree with decisions, I loathe some of the work I do, I feel cramped, and they wanted commitment for a year from now and I didn't want to concede that. There were certain things that made this firm great and successful, but these things are being forgotten as business picks up and that worries me.

3) The Future
The gist of all this is that until Monday afternoon, there were a lot of issues weighing down on me. Not only was I feeling more alone than I have in a long time, I was feeling cramped by the work, uncertain of where I was, where I was going, what I should be doing, or where I even wanted to go. But something turned around that afternoon. I regained something I feel like maybe I had lost sight of - I don't know what this something was: maybe being back at design work again, maybe going to a meeting and getting to interact with real people I can help, maybe some conglomeration of itty-bitty details that I will never be able to piece together in a thousand years. All I know is that Monday night I felt like I just might be strong enough to make it without the girl, maybe working for this firm for a while would be a good learning experience, an opportunity to build some knowledge base and a solid professional reputation, maybe life is taking a turn for the better. Thus with the turning of the month, flipping into the downside of the year aught-three, I feel like a whole person, self-determined and sure, able.

And keep in mind: the near future includes a Walk of Peace from the [mighty] Missouri to the [rambunctious] 168th Street. That's 11 am, July 4th. Walk of Peace - because this year, it's for real!

"Give us any chance we'll take it, give us any rule we'll break it. We're gonna make it on our own - doin' it our way..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:32 AM [+] ::