:: The Blurst of Times ::

:: 7.31.2003 ::

It's sick to say, but sometimes it feels good to not be the only one who is love-lorn. I'm never glad to hear of someone else's suffering, but it puts things into perspective when you hear about someone else who is struggling with issues of girls, boys, marriage, "comfort zones," dates, long-distance, relationships, and the inevitable "I'm off to [way-the-fuck-away], hope things are sane when I return." To everyone who can't seem to understand how what she is saying relates to how she is acting - stay strong, hang in there, be patient and she will come around (or she'll get the fuck away and someone better will come along). To everyone who wants the answers, wants to know for sure, wants to make the 'right' decision - have faith and hope, and know that time will make everything clear. These people and their problems have put my issues into perspective and for this I thank them.

On to greater news: I am leaving Tacoma tonight. I will drive out of town and not return for 72 hours. For the last 6 weeks I have blamed Tacoma for dragging me down, for stifling me, for sucking the life out of me, and crushing my spirit. I have blamed a lack of familiarity, a lack of friends and family, a lack of entertainment for these lingering woes. In an hour I will shave my face, shower, and allow this to be an allegorical cleansing. I will wash away everything that I have built up inside me. I won't think about her. I will stop wondering about her, if she's happy, what she's doing, who she's with... I will stop. There is nothing to remind me of her on the airplane. I have my book, my gum, my hat, all things that have nothing to do with her. There is nothing to remind me of her on the East Coast. I will be 2500 miles removed from this girl, this town, this situation, and I refuse to look back. For 72 hours I will be on a drug called "Not Here" and it is going to take me away. I will meet new people, have new memories, drink new drinks and taste new foods - I will speak of the unconstitutional war of northern aggression and I will wait anxiously for hurricanes. No fine southern bloodhound will smell the Tacoma Aroma on me. The furrows on my forehead will gradually space themselves out and be replaced by the tiny wrinkles in the corners of my eyes. I will seize opportunity this weekend - it is mine to be won. I have waited for this for six months, partially with no idea what I was really waiting for... and now the hour draws near that I will turn my back on the snow-capped Mount Rainier and will speed forward through time to a different land, across three mountain ranges and in the salt-spray of another ocean. This weekend is mine and nothing (no one) will stop me from celebrating.

"Wings, don't fail me now..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:31 PM [+] ::
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Four Movies and a Phone Call
Yeah, that's what we could sum up this weekend - my last offical weekend in T-town. I think most of it was worthwhile. We'll tackle the best parts first:

Old School
This was the first in a series of movies selected to prevent me from thinking about real stuff - and it did the job well. It was very much in the vein of Animal House and PCU and you know what I think? Good for it! I feel like there could be a good movie like this about once a year without doing much harm. Each character seemed to be just right for the chosen actor, right down to Craig Kilborn as the asshole boyfriend. Man, who didn't see that one coming? Plus, I think it's the first time I wasn't repulsed by Will Farrell being stupid - it was more like he was acting smart, trying to overcome being stupid, instead of the usual vice-versa. Overall, left me feeling good - an anxious to return to campus.

Drowning Mona
Really, you can't go wrong with a DeVito, a Midler, a Curtis, and an Affleck... oh, wait, Casey Affleck, the guy who's voice is far too deep for his boyish looks? Eh, maybe not. Really, I enjoyed the movie, I just was hoping for more hijinx. I like movies where all the characters are so intertwined that anything could happen. And I like movies where it takes a cut through "real life" much like any experience cuts through "real life": when you are following a single story, but it shows or refers to other lives that you just glimpse at - specifically the undertaker was a pretty good character. So it was funny, just not roll off the couch funny. I guess this capped my 24-hour Will Farrell movie fest.

Cowboy Bebop: The Movie
Yeah, this was really cool - it felt fun and well paced. I rented the DVD - I usually go with VHS, but I felt like I should have the full widescreed going because I expected the visuals to be rockin'. So tell me, those of you who have seen this, does a lot happen in Chapters 26 and 27 - I suppose those are pretty important being two of the last three chapters. Yeah, you'll have to tell me sometime because the DVD fucked up and skipped over these chapters, thus dumping me in the final scene of ultimate justice and retribution, and no real idea what happened. I fuckin' hate technology because in the stone age, when something broke, it just fell apart; now things fall apart with such nuclear disaster proportions that it just fuckin sucks. I'm crossing the movie off my list because I feel like I have seen it, but just between you and me - I might have missed some of the finer details.

Spirited Away
It took a while for me to get into this movie, but once I did I was hooked. It was beautiful and powerful. Like Life is Beautiful, the actual story was pretty trite - nothing special or particularly original, but the way it was brought together was fantastic. And the attention to detail - it wasn't so much something that I ever felt like I missed, but once it was there in front of me it all it's brilliant glory, I think I fully appreciated it. Thankfully this DVD stuck it out and worked the whole way through. I think, when it's all said and done, I might like cartoons more than movies, because 1) there is nothing that can't be done, irregardless of special effects, anything can happen; 2) there are no actors to insert their subconscious prejuduces, like when watching Old School and seeing Vince Vaughn and really thinking a lot about Swingers; 3) there are no flaws to take away from the purity of hte story and the message - I feel like this puts more pressure on the writers to come up with something worthwhile, not just the latest Will Smith vehicle; 4) cartoons can appeal to more people at more levels because they work into the imagination better than just film.

As for the phone call: It's hard to make pain go away. No matter how many times I say I can get through this without getting upset, I get upset. I take offense to things that I know I have to right getting offended at, and there are so many things that I could say but think-twice and keep inside that I just eat myself alive and the conversation peters out. I feel bad about this, but you know, I'm really not that responsible for this, and if I'm a hard person to talk to these days, try sitting within earshot of the inside of my head. There's a seat I'd like to vacate sometime soon.

"You said 'no worries' then I should have known, everytime I've heard that phrase I've been let down, guess I have no one else to blame but me, even when I know it's wrong, I still want to believe, another half apology, another broken promise..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:40 AM [+] ::
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I was going to complain about how I don't want to watch any of the movies I own. Instead, I'm going to go rent a movie.

More details later about getting rid of all my movies...
:: Freddy F. at 12:36 AM [+] ::
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So because the personal life had nothing to offer me at the moment, I decided to turn to the worlds of news and fake news. And just between you and me: now I think I'm even more depressed.

And when no one is blogging, it just feels like the world has slowed down to a dull hum.

So the most exciting news of the day is a midwest storm a'brewin'. I think that last line is expecially poetic.

And the M's are putting the whooping stick to the A's - good for them.

"Lookin' out a dirty old window, down below the cars in the city go rushin' by, I sit and I stare and I wonder why..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:20 AM [+] ::
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My life is full of ups and downs all resulting from a single person/event. Frankly, I'm wondering if it isn't boring me. There has to be more than this - I mean, yes, it was significant, and yes, I was badly hurt, and no, the pain doesn't seem to be going away... but really, is that all there is to life? I have to pry myself out of this rut. For the more interested reader - things are fluxuating madly with the "ex" (finally bringing myself to deal with this as an official breakup), so I have no idea where it is going, where we are in relation to good/bad, what I even think about the whole situation. So maybe I will stick with what I know:

- Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I have not been killed, though scraping bottom isn't a bad description. But I will rise - I am the phoenix. The glory I once had will be restored - feathers may char, but the soul will not and out of this, I will bloom. Strength training - physical, mental, emotional, psychological, intellectual - focus.

- In two weeks, a very good friend is getting married across the country. This will be a very exciting trip. This may be a huge party - or it may be something completely not a huge party. The point is: all of it is out of my control and for the first time in six months I will be able to freefall and am willing to land where I may.

- I have no place that I have to be. For the next nine months, my course is charted. After that, there is nothing tying me to anything, geographically, personally, socially, or occupationally. While there will be certain financial obligations, the vast majority of my life is a completly blank slate. It is mine to write and record. I think this may be the closest I have ever come to true freedom.

- I still have not seen Europe.

- I want to buy a house and fix it up. I'm not even sure if I want to live in it (real estate is one of the best money making opportunities ever).

- Good friends surround me. Everyone that I have talked to in the last three - four weeks has been more than supportive. I feel like everyone is reaching either out to help me or in to understand me. Some day, if I haven't already, I will repay the favor to all of you. Anything more I have to say about this is cliche, but thank you all.

- I wish the best of luck to people starting new lives, driving long roads, or waiting to explode. Our day will come.

"Giddy up, Phil, giddy up indeed..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:44 AM [+] ::
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Today I learned that I am able to utterly change my mood, attitude, and outlook on life with no external stimuli whatsoever. I was working on cutting out presentation boards, just minding my own business, when these thoughts start going through my head. I don't think it is really prudent to specify exactly what they were - suffice to say they involved the person I have been thinking alot about lately - if you're down, you know. Anyway, I was having a really good day and then I start thinking all these bad thoughts and I get into a little bad mood. And the thoughts keep getting worse and worse - it's like they were building on themselves. Nothing tangible, mind you - there may or may not even be any basis of truth in these thoughts, I just keep thinking about worse and worse situations. And it was like, whether they were true or not, I was buying into them and simply making myself angry. And I looked at the clock and a total of, like, forty seconds had gone by and my mood had flipped 180 degrees. Then I figured out what I was doing, so I tried to undo it - failed. "Try not-thinking about a pink elephant for the next 30 seconds" - you can't do it. So I couldn't turn my mood around. Morning ruined. Thanks a mil - getting your ass canned: it's the gift that just keeps on giving.

Fortunately, the afternoon went a lot smoother.

Before I go: The best version of "Pink Triangle" can be heard on no CD, vinyl, or .mp3. Only on my phone.

"When I think I've found a good old-fashioned girl, then she puts me in my place..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:38 PM [+] ::
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Mixin' shit up.

"You feelin' me..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:08 AM [+] ::
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Great Googily-moogily! (Things that are fucked)
1) The "people" have a hard time learning to distrust liars. We still believe cigarette companies, movie stars, and the president. Why? I don't know. The cops won't even believe me when I say I'm Walkin' for Peace, but no one will stick it to the president (or his advisors) for flat out lying to his employers. Let's say I go to work, tell the people at work that we need to invest all this time and effort (life?) into some project that turns out to not even be a project. Further, once we get done fucking up some site, we are stuck with the bill to even bring it back to its previous decrepide state. Yeah, I'd get fired, in a heartbeat. The best sound bite I've heard: If we are going to impeach the last president for lying, it would only make sense to impeach this one as well. At least logic is on my side.

2) My skin is peeling like a mofo. In one area its flaking off in dandruff-like bits, covering my desk, computer, and all papers at work. In another area it has become a scaly lizard-like covering that is still burned underneath and itchy as hell. In a third area, it is peeling in huge pieces, doesn't hurt, but requires some skill and finesse to slough off those big sheets. I can do this for hours.

3) Haven't enough people broken my heart - do I really have to keep doing this to myself? Something that is so close to the surface, like having a huge flesh-wound that is just barely scabbed over and all I can do is keep scratching at it and poking it and tearing at it, and I wonder why I'm bleeding to death. Let's see if our hindsight can't piece this together: Date girl for 3+ years, live together, share everything together, get dumped, continue hanging out, spend halfhour drive home asking her how her life is and continue talking about how shitty your life seems. Wow, smooth as fuck, I am. It's a wonder she doesn't come screaming back, really a wonder. And in the end, what do I really want. I'd be happy with her back, right? I'd be happy with her gone, right? Everytime I think I might know the path to happiness, something changes, something gets said, some idea pops into my head, and suddenly I know nothing.

4) The very fact that at the age of 22 I know nothing for certain, especially regarding: Life, the Future, my wants/needs/desires, Asian History, Girls, and Cricket.

5) I am wavering between dedicated anti-materialism and comfortable domestication. The former requires I begin losing some of the larger items that I have accumulated over the years: a bed, drums, TV & other entertainment equipment, etc. There are other people out there that need them more than I, it will be a lot easier to move if I'm not carrying millions of huge things, having nothing allows me to make a clean break from the last four years of my life, something that I feel like I don't want to forget, but sometimes want to bury in a closet for a while. The latter requires that I continue moving tons and tons of stuff as long as I keep changing locations (one more year, knock-knock), keep buying things costing me money that could go to maybe better uses, and prevents me from just cutting loose and leaving everything behind to do whatever I feel like I need to do to run away. Currently, the former is winning, but only because it is so expensive to move or store stuff. Check back tomorrow - things might be swingin back the other way.

6) Mets: blowin' it tonight. Mariners: blowin' it tonight. Yeah, that's all fucked.

"Broken bottles, life is so hard... Oh, we made it through, not always but most..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:00 AM [+] ::
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My last four days have been O-town saturated.

Begin at 9pm on Thursday: Drive from Tacoma to Sea-Tac. Fly from Seattle to Dallas, fly from Dallas to Omaha. Walk across the city. Visit home to suprise my father for his 50th birthday. Grill chicken dinner and watch fireworks. Drive to friends' house, play cards until dawn. Sleep. Wake up and work on motorcycle - burn in the summer sun. Help parents move furniture for remodeling of house. Go swimming. Grill steaks for dinner. Pick up old friend, visit tons of friends. Play poker and almost double my money. Eat at IHOP. Drive to Epply Airport. Fly to Dallas, fly to Seattle. Whew.

I would like to thank everyone who made an appearance this weekend, either at the airport, at the walk, at my house, at someone else's house, or at the airport. You are what make all the miles worthwhile. I promise that in August I will be around long enough to chat awhile.

Making the Scene: Tonight I was riding in the car when the DJ on the radio began to speak. I hate this situation, but just before I change the channel, I hear the phrase "Saddle Creek Records," so I turn an attentive ear. This DJ is raving about the "up-and-coming" music scene from Omaha. "The greatest indie music scene" - he goes on and on about this. Good for them - too bad no one realizes the best music in Omaha isn't rockin' on the Creek.

"I'll tell you what's wrong with you - I'll tell you what's wrong with me too. I'll tell you everything about me..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:23 AM [+] ::
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Here's some props:
His is a good movie. Drip-drip. Well done. Also, he's right, this will be a very important year for the walk to be strong. Let us show our support for peace and utter disdain for war-mongers. Omaha, here we come.

And basically all you've done is jack, buddy. I'm tired of reading those movies, so let's get some bloggin' on.

I am pulling a defunct link, and replacing it with one that is less prosaic.

And because he says that I haven't done this yet, I will be writing about...

My Thoughts on Marriage
I don't really like the idea of ever lying to anyone, and for this reason, I don't beleive in marriage. I think that it is possible to find someone who makes you incredibly happy. I know for a while I beleived that I had found someone that I wanted to share the rest of my life with. To be honest, I have done this a couple times, with a couple different girls, to different degrees. But part of being me is knowing that my life is ever changing. Some days I want a little of column A and somedays I'm feelin more column B. I know that when I found that "special someone" it lasted more than a day, but I also know it felt so real, so good, so true, that I could only assume it would last forever. Had I been of different mindset, at some point in time I would have wanted to get married to this "special someone" just because that is what you are supposed to do.

The idea behind marriage that makes me uncomfortable is having to make a selection once and only once (well, that is the idea anyway). At the pinkish age of 22 years, how the hell am I supposed to make a decision that will directly determine my happiness for the rest of my life? It seems unreasonable to even think of this, and I am constantly amazed at the number of people who seem to have (luckily?) chosen correctly. For a number of years I was happy to wake up next to a certain someone. But what if that feelnig had changed? To what degree do I honor a piece of paper, some contract that I signed when I was barely old enough to vote, let alone predict the future?

The idea I have is of a contract of free will (what a paradox). Every night I have the freedom to assess whom I would most enjoy being with. More than likely, I will choose a single person - this is my goal, to find that someone who matches and compliments me for the rest of my life. But what if I change, or they change, and I don't want to be with them anymore? Then I am still supposed to choose them? I beleive that the contract of marriage means nothing to me, that I have seen enough loveless marriages to know that a piece of paper, no matter how many dollars you spend, is still just a piece of paper. I beleive that the way I show my undying devotion to a single person is by choosing them each and every night, knowing that I (or they) could go out and be with someone else at any time, I choose them again and again because they are the one I truly love. I do not beleive that making a decision once is an eternal promise, but an eternal promise is shown by a lifetime of unyielding regard and respect.

Some people need marriage as a way to acheive a dream, or because it is so engrained into them, or for whatever reason. And i respect this - and if it all came down to just that fact, that single piece of paper, then I could go through the motions, pledge myself eternally, and get married. But I just don't see the need for it, if you truly have faith in the relationship.

"And on that day what else could I say? I'd say 'Here's to you stayin' drunk, adn here's to all your good luck (you're gonna need it)..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:53 AM [+] ::
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Alright. I probably owe you all a big explanation. I'm sure I've been ambiguous, partly because I don't really feel like typing out the whole story (and to tell it right, it may have to be pretty long) and there is the underlying fear that if I put it out there in real words, it becomes all that much more real, serious, and final. But enough dilly-dallying - it's time to cut to the chase, so here are my last two weeks:

1) The Girl
So we have dated for pretty much the last four years - three-and-a-half-ish, to be technical. Very serious all the way through. Ninety-nine percent of the time we were a perfect couple, but underneath there were always a couple issues. And while they were nagging, it seemed like they could be glossed over or ignored, not out of niavitae or being callow, but because the rest of it was just so damn good. Then the 99% started falling. Times could be tough, and more than once I thought 'Maybe this isn't forever.' but I never put a date on it. This spring we lived half a continent apart and it seemed like that made things better. For a while. Then she decides her future plans have changed - suddenly, I'm not as desirable, not because of who I am, but because of who I see myself becoming (or not becoming). So we come to the conclusion that after spending this summer together, we will return to the University and go our seperate ways. This time being four months away, I wasn't sweating it, plus maybe she was right and it was time for change. But then she gets out here and she's not happy. She doesn't really want to see me much. She spend half her time sleeping and the other half of her time with friends in another town. I invite her to do things, she says no, then goes and does them with her friends. She mocks me, chides me, and ridicules me. She makes me angry and sad. Finally, she comes to me and says 'I need to take some time to think - away from you. I will call in a couple days.' I tell her 'Fine' and anxiously await her call. Five days later she calls to tell me she is moving out for good. This is devastating. On Sunday, she moved the last things out of the apartment, thereby cruching my heart, my soul, and my spirit.

2) The Job
I have spent the last 6 months on a professional internship. I have learned tons. In the beginning, everything I learned I thought was invaluable; everything I did was part of this great process that I wanted to do for the rest of my life; the people I worked for and with were gods among men, unfailing heroes who could do no wrong. After 6 months, my perspective has changed - I get mad when people give me work that isn't mine, and when they never volunteer to help me when all the shits falling on my head. I disagree with decisions, I loathe some of the work I do, I feel cramped, and they wanted commitment for a year from now and I didn't want to concede that. There were certain things that made this firm great and successful, but these things are being forgotten as business picks up and that worries me.

3) The Future
The gist of all this is that until Monday afternoon, there were a lot of issues weighing down on me. Not only was I feeling more alone than I have in a long time, I was feeling cramped by the work, uncertain of where I was, where I was going, what I should be doing, or where I even wanted to go. But something turned around that afternoon. I regained something I feel like maybe I had lost sight of - I don't know what this something was: maybe being back at design work again, maybe going to a meeting and getting to interact with real people I can help, maybe some conglomeration of itty-bitty details that I will never be able to piece together in a thousand years. All I know is that Monday night I felt like I just might be strong enough to make it without the girl, maybe working for this firm for a while would be a good learning experience, an opportunity to build some knowledge base and a solid professional reputation, maybe life is taking a turn for the better. Thus with the turning of the month, flipping into the downside of the year aught-three, I feel like a whole person, self-determined and sure, able.

And keep in mind: the near future includes a Walk of Peace from the [mighty] Missouri to the [rambunctious] 168th Street. That's 11 am, July 4th. Walk of Peace - because this year, it's for real!

"Give us any chance we'll take it, give us any rule we'll break it. We're gonna make it on our own - doin' it our way..."
:: Freddy F. at 1:32 AM [+] ::
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The last week has been so very very hard. I have been so close to the bottom. So angry, then so sad, then so furious, then so hopeless. It's been terrible. My outlook has been so grim, dismal, dark, glum. This should explain why I haven't written in so long. Soon, when I don't have to go to bed, I hope to get the whole story down right here.

But for now: maybe, just maybe, things might be on the upswing. Nowhere left to go, right?

"Somewhere in America: it's late at night, and you're far from home, but you know it's gonna be alright..."
:: Freddy F. at 2:04 AM [+] ::
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