:: The Blurst of Times ::

:: 8.02.2004 ::

A Story of Pain

So on Saturday I decide to drive to the library to check out some books. No big deal, just some nice pleasant books that have been on my list for years and now I have a little free time to get them read. So I'm driving to the libray with the window down, listening to some tunes, when out of the corner of my eye I see something small and buzzy fly into the truck. Really, it didn't fly into the truck, so much as hit the back edge of the window-hole and fell into the truck. And really, when it happened I saw what it was, but I wasn't going to panic - I figured it would just buzz around and eventually chill for a bit or find it's way back out of the truck. Well, I didn't count on the wasp falling between the back of the seat and me. And apparently in the small world of the wasp, this is an act of aggression that demand retribution. So it started stinging me. And I let it go a couple times and kept driving, even going so far as to lean forward to let it out. No, this is also apparently an act of aggression, so again I get stung a couple times. So now I decide, fuck it, I tried to let you go, now I have no choice, and pressed myself back against the seat to crush the bastard. Nope, once again, he starts stinging, only this time he can't move anywhere, so I get stung a number of times in the same spot.

Being stung by a wasp is painful, but it's now a eye-popping, i-just-smashed-my-thumb-with-a-hammer pain, it's more like aah-its-burning-and-I'm-breaking-into-a-cold-sweat kind of pain. And I just gotta grit my teeth and bear it until I get to the library and upon getting out of my truck, turn around to see a wasp calmly fly out the open window.

A Story of Greater Pain.

While I would like to think I have lead a life guided by principles and beleifs greater than just impulse reactions, I would not consider myself to be a politically active person. I'd like to think that I put a lot of thought into the decisions that I make, so when I say, 'yes, I do support that' or 'no, I don't agree with that' I am making the statement based on logic, rationale, and my personal understanding of what I believe is the greater good. So when, in my early years of college I began to learn about the WalMart corporation and the dynamic it has with communities large and small, I began to form opinions. Three years ago, these thought manifested themselves as an outright boycott against WalMart, nothing major, just a personal refusal to purchase their products. In small town Kansas, this is not the easiest of vows, but I stuck to my guns and even became more against what WalMart did and stood for. The fact that the WalMart became a Super WalMart only reinforced these ideals and I hoped that my future included at least the witnessing of the demise of the Walton Corporation, if not an opportunity to be an active participant.

On Friday, I was assigned to my first major project. I would be working with a planner and a developer to develop a retail/office center on a site that is a buried unregulated landfill, meaning it is filled with garbage, hazardous wastes, medical wastes, etc. Since no housing can be placed on a site such as this and the businesses that take over the site will have to do a large amount of work to remediate the pollution that is currently leaching into the surrounding water systems, the situation seemed promising, that I would be doing something to make the current global trend/situation better, something that I want my life to stand for, when it is all said and done. Then I learned what reatil the developer was courting.

I feel dirty. I feel like leaving. I feel like throwing up my arms and saying'fuck it, I'm obviously on the wrong path here. obviously AA is not for me, this firm is not for me, this career is not for me, and certainly WalMart is not for me.' I felt like turning back to a certain someone who once told me that building models is a hobby, that I've got too much to offer to not become a landscape architect, and that this firm is, in his experienced wisdom, a perfect match for my ideals... I feel like turning back to that person and saying 'just what the fuck were you talking about. what fucking dimension inthe space/time continuum were you thinking of when you suggested that I give Michigan a try.' And then I want to turn to myself and say 'Hey, Fred, just what were you thinking? You had a feeling in your gut and you ignored it. You had that feeling that you have followed your whole life, that feeling you know has gotten you a lot of good places the first 23 years of your life, that feeling you have ignored before and it's come around to bite you... where's your feeling now, man?' And I honestly, honestly don't know.

I'm feeling low, I tell ya. I'm putting twelve years of general education, five years of professional education, a year and a half of professional experience, twenty-three years of life experience, and all the faith that everyone has had in me along the way into doing what I do today. And today, the best thing I can do is make a better WalMart. If I wasn't me, I'd punch me right in the face.

I'll give it time. But that's not a blank check. Don't think I'm not watching my every move. This will not become a trend. This will be a fluke. I just need to ride it out a bit...

"Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best. Try everything you can. And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away..."

:: Freddy F. at 9:21 PM [+] ::