:: The Blurst of Times ::

:: 8.26.2004 ::

And Connecticut Makes Three

Long, long ago... in a galaxy far, far away... there was a young kid who thought he had his life all planned out. For the last three years, he had been staying a (mostly) steady course. He knew what he wanted to do, he knew where he wanted to do it, and he knew who he wanted to be with for the duration. Last year, it all fell apart. He no longer knew any of the answers to those three questions; moreover he didn’t know any answers to any questions. The best he could do was tuck his tail down between his legs and stumble back home, scared, bewildered, and alone. Slowly but surely, this kid started to come around. Like coming out of a coma, he eventually regained control over his movements, speech, and even social skills. Things started looking like normal again. Aside from a few random encounters during that first semester back, things appeared as if they may have never been bad at all. Life began to fall back into place and the ashes were swept under the rug. And the rug was so wonderful, you could almost forget what it was hiding.

But I always knew what was under there. I always remembered. No matter how good it got, I couldn’t wash that feeling away, the last lingering alkaline taste at the back of your throat, you never notice it until you swallow, but it’s enough to make you shudder. It all haunted me. How easily it happened the first time - and how equally easily it fell apart. That feeling the first days after it ended - the feeling of being inexorably alone. I am grateful everyday that I do not truly understand the full extent of this analogy, but I came home and my house had burned down. I’d lost everything I spent years to pull together. And mostly, I’d lost all those answers. All the answers that let me sleep well at night, all the answers that helped me make the decisions, all the answers that made sense, right or wrong, they were my answers and suddenly they vanished.

I don’t know the answers anymore. Haven’t a clue, to be honest. I have, at best, an abstract idea of what I want to become, but no roadmap to get there, no companions, no understanding of what lies between here and there - where ever ‘there’ is. I once had a solution - I’d get away from everything, fuck it all, I’ll immerse myself in other worlds and find my fortune. Didn’t happen - couldn’t even start it - ran out of money. I had another idea: build, create, craft! Immerse myself in old friends and simplify. Didn’t happen either - got halfway down the path and had to turn back. Didn’t look like it was headed in the right direction - you can’t save the world if all you do is make little-tiny replicas of buildings that don’t exist yet. So I try something else - call it solution: magnetism. I would play the unmoving piece and just go where ever I was pulled. And I was pulled. And now I find myself in a city where I know no one, have no ties, feel no sentiment, and, most importantly, am not seeing any answers.

I got a call the other day from a model shop in Connecticut. Amazing the wave of nostalgia that swept over me, feelings from just a few months ago that seemed so foreign and surreal. They wanted to offer me a position, have me come out, check things out a bit, feel them out, and get to work. Suddenly, I’m back to being halfway down path number two. Did I make the right decision? If I had done something else, would I have the answers I’m looking for? Four months ago is as far back as I dare look. I know I could look back eighteen months, but that would probably kill me. I’ve never felt so adrift. If I look for answers will I find them? I wasn’t looking when I found them before, but I was young and stupid and didn’t know that answers could be spelled out so clearly. Now, maybe I’m just old and stupid, or at least older (and possibly stupider) but I know those questions are out there and I don’t know what to do but to try and answer them.

“This ain’t no Mecca, man, this place is fucked...”

:: Freddy F. at 10:31 PM [+] ::

Comments:

Welcome to being 20-something... Don't think you are so alone in this.

# posted by  Lindsay : 7:31 AM

 

Hey - where the hell did you go? Dropped off the face of the weblog world. I would catch up, but it's a pretty public forum - drop me a note sometime.

# posted by  Fred : 6:59 PM

 

I'm working on the Hill... and well, there was this girl named Jessica Cutler, aka Washingtonienne... she made us Hill types rather fearful of the blogging venues. Then again, since I'm not sleeping with sugar daddy Bush appointees and writing about it from work, I don't have much to worry about.

# posted by  Lindsay : 11:09 PM

 

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