:: The Blurst of Times ::

:: 11.26.2002 ::

Going on holiday for a while, which means, you won't get anything new here. Will you notice...

"Seein' red. Don't think you'll be seein' me around. I think it's time to make a choice..."
:: Freddy F. at 10:45 AM [+] ::
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So I've got another new approach: not blogging. Man, it was a crazy last week. Many hours in studio, many days where studiotime outnumbered sleeptime almost five to one. But that's fine, because now it is all down time for the next 24+ hours. And here I sit at my computer, swilling on a bottle of Manischewitz, trying to remember what I wanted to blog about the last week. I don't remember, not because I'm drunk, but because there have been a lot of little brian cells that have committed suicide in the battles that have ensued in the last ten days. It probably doesn't matter much because 95% of the people who read this blog, who would care about those stories, will be where I am in 24 hours (when I get home on Tuesday), i.e. The Fox and the Hound.

So have a good Thanksgiving, please remember to count your blessings and be thankful that you are someone who has blessings to count. And if you don't have blessings, then I wish you the best in the coming "holiday" season and good luck. I wish the world was a much more peaceful place and I wish people (myself included) had a little more tolerance for one another. But I do have hope...
:: Freddy F. at 9:03 PM [+] ::
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I am trying a bit of a different approach here, I will not be blogging at work, thus saving myself the guilt that I feel after charging the state $22.75 each day for sitting there and doing nothing. So today I went in thinking, "Alright, I'm really going to work, I'm going to do as much as I possibly can without my boss's approval, and that should be a lot of work." I worked hard from 8 until 9.3o before realizing that I was completely out of work. And now comes the true test: Boss will be out of town for the next three days - will the work hold up, or will I collapse into my world of Spider Solitaire and blogging? I must fight to stay focused... focused like a ninja.

After reading several articles about Iraq and the [potentially] ensuing "war" I had the following thought that could be possibly construed as insightful: As a nation there is a battle to protect the right for individuals to own weapons of death, and as a world there is a battle to deny the right for nations to own weapons of death. It is the same battle, but on a different scale. The "ironic" part of this is that at either scale, one nation is fighting on the opposite sides of the other scale. How very strange that on the national level they promote weapons as a means of deterence and on the world level they promote weapons only as a threat.

Without any desire to knock on any single blog out there [because there are so many good ones] I'd have to say that I am finding the most enjoyment from reading this one, because it's long [like mine], and because it is very much along the lines of how I was feeling at that point in my life. I mean, who doesn't have the memory of coming back to the dorm freshman year, only to find their roommate violently ill from hitting vodka shots all night long. I remember that from my freshman year. And my sophomore year. And my junior year. Fuckers.

And last, but most definietly not least, I'd like to thank this good friend [Mr. Three-links-in-one-entry] for remembering my November 15th "birthday" and delivering an excellent mix-CD for my listening enjoyment. The title, so apropro. The songs, so fine. The format, working for me. But hey "I ain't happy, I'm feelin glad..."

"When I get to the bottom, I go back to the top of the slide..."
:: Freddy F. at 8:10 PM [+] ::
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This week has indeed been a taxing one. Too much due and, I admit, it got the best of me - I blew up at some people that I shouldn't have and made some unnecessary comments and for that I would like to apologize (don't worry, I have apologized to them personally as well, I'm just filling you in on the gist of it). "All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy." So, it seems like a need a little play time. Not yet, but soon, just need to wrap up some odds and ends. But, I thought I have some valid points, that I will try to summarize here for my thoughts on the week.

Isuue One: Personal Responsibility
If you don't like something change it. If it can't be changed, fight it. If you don't want to fight it, don't complain about it. Each of us is responsible for our station in life - we are sentient beings and can move at will. If things are not as you want them to be, you must fix them or change your goals. Do not blame others for your station, because you have the power to change it. I know that I am not the best motivational speaker, know one will nominate me for any Knute Rockne awards, but the only one who will drag you out of your rut, is you.

Furthermore, when something has been done, remember the old (albeit nearly loathsome) adage: If you are pointing the finger at someone, there are three pointing back at you." If you screwed up a test, don't blame the teacher for teaching poorly or the lack of study time; buck up and take a better test next time. If the project didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, either fix it, or remember what was done and do it differently next time. If someone is mad at you for something, analyze the situation - have you done something wrong, if yes, then apologize or at least don't blame the person for being upset. And I know I am not exempt from this sin - I too, carry a cross from an old friendship, adn maybe some simple words of kindness would be enough to pave over that fault. I haven't done it yet because I don't believe that I am strong enough, but I hope that before I leave this region I will have taken steps to rectify this situtation.

Issue Two: Rumors
There was a time when I said "Everyone talks about everyone else, because there is nothing else to talk about, so get used to it." A wise friend (who I would gladly link to if she had a blog of her own) felt that I was incorrect and that we could think of lots of other things. At the time I thought she was wrong, but now I want her to be right. Anymore, my conversations consist of "he said, she said," "he's doing, she's doing," and I honestly think it breeds disgust. I don't know how much of a "libertarian" someone could consider me, but I firmly agree with Walt Whitman that "everyone should be allowed to go to hell anyway he chooses." If this person is doing that, unless whatever their doing is going to roll over my toes, I don't need to hear about it. It feels like conversations ahve just become a bunch of tattle-tales. I miss conversations of politics, ideas, landscape theory and principle, and even sports. I find myself longing to hear the words "I think" rather than "Didja hear" I imagine that I fall victim to this as well, but I'd like to think that I try not to spread rumors and gossip, and focus on the more important things.

Issue Three: Intent
Do not judge me, because you do not know my intent. Don't assume, don't go on what you heard from friends, don't belive what everyone tells you. Use the ol' noggin or if that is too much, come ask me, I'm an honest guy, I won't lie to you. If what I am doing is hurting you, then tell me, don't just assume that I am doing it to spite you. It is a rare time that I want to hurt someone, so don't think you are so lucky to be the one I hurt. Don't martyr yourself for me, I've asked for none. Be honest with me, and understand that I will be nothing but honest with you.

And somewhat related, don't play the politics. Please, do not be the bat - favoring both parties until there is a decisive winner, and don't play the Nazi, being kind to my face but amassing forces against me behind the curtain. I will not respond well to deception, and I don't like being "played." I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I never apologize for that.

I'm worried that this is going to come out sounding like I'm whining or someone is gong to be upset by this. No, I'm not worried about that at all. I'm worried that people will read this and think I'm taking cheap shots at them and will thus, misinterpret what I'm saying. I think it all boils down to taking control over your own situation and being an honest person. These are the things I ask for in the people around me. I admit, it is probably not good of me to start demanding things of the people around me, I have no right to that, if I'm unhappy then I should just "take control of myself" adn get the fuck out. And I will if it somes to that. Now, I'm here, finishing a degree that will hopefully take me to the places (geogrpahically) that I want to be. And when I go, I hope I can take the people (both literally and figurativly) that I enjoy being around.

I ran out of time when I first posed this because I was at work, then I got busy with stuff, then I had to end it quick so I could make it to class ontime. There is only one thing that I wanted to say. Does the picture at the bottom of today's entry of Bob Borden look a lot like a drawing that this guy would have done? Way to go national with the art, my friend (if that is the case).

So that's it, everything is going fine now, looking forward to a peaceful weekend.

"Don't be fooled the rocks that I got. I'm still (I'm still) Jenny from the block..."
:: Freddy F. at 12:29 PM [+] ::
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There goes my motivation, right out the window...

There is nothing quite like a beautiful afternoon, when you're feeling quite good about thinking you have accomplished a lot. It seems like Monday was so long ago, when I had tons and tons to do, and Friday and the weekend are so far away, and sure, I'll be able to get everything done before then, no sweat, and I have done so much since Monday, don't I deserve a break. But I look back, and have I really accomplished that much - could I have done a few more things and slept a little less... Could I have gotten that stuff wrapped up if I hadn't been playing BeJeweled for the last half hour... It get's to be so maddening to keep trying to stay on top, sometimes I envy those who are way behind. I want to pace myself, don't pull all-nighters until I have to, but then you run the risk of waiting too long and turning in shit. Does everyone else out there deal with this too, or is it just me?

I won't lie, I can't wait.

If I don't do it now, I won't get started until 7 tonight, so I'd best be getting to work.

Play fair...

"Lost the battle, lost the war, lost the things worth living for. Lost the will to win the fight, one more pill to kill the pain..."
:: Freddy F. at 5:07 PM [+] ::
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Go Raiders! Way to end that streak.

So I'm in the same old situation here at work, again. My boss isn't here. I have nothing to work on. I don't know what he wants me to do next. He hasn't answered my questions I left him Friday and I haven't had face-time with him since Thursday. I'm stuck. I have one project, and I don't have all the info I need and I don't have a program to go off of. So I'm "stuck" reading blogs and emails and writing blogs and emails, and just in general goofing off. This isn't bad on days that I'm here alone, but now my co-worker(s) are here and I feel bad not doing anything while they are working.

I got an email from an old friend the other day. It sounds weird to refer to someone as an "old friend" when I am still so young, but when you haven't heard from them in three years, I think it qualifies. So that opens a whole new portal of social relations for me to explore. It's like when you are working around in Minesweeper and suddenly you click on one that opens to a bunch more, it just feels better.

I'm dreaming in contours. The alarm goes off and I'm thinking crazy things like "That says 7.17, I wonder what the real grade is. How far am I going to have to chase this to meet grade?" before stumbling back into a warm doze. And in my mind I'm picturing the little dashed contours that I have running across my site, telling me that this path I am on holds only disaster. Death by too much Cut.

And speaking of the professional end of things, she is talking about things I understand. I could have a dialogue about this and it would finally be something intellectual (something I miss in the arts program of a state university). But alas, the site is already too popular for I found it on a major link system. It's like finding out someone you know is a pretty successful college football player on a dynastic team, but you found out by watching espn. To go back and try to be inside the fold and social seems too forced, too groupie-ish, and just too clingy. So I just gave you a link - the blog equivalent of name dropping.

As an update: Things are getting worked out for Tacoma. Starting and ending dates. Moving dates, reservations and plane ticket. Who, if anyone, I'm living with and what those living conditions will be. I feel terribly sorry for anyone who has less than months and months to do thid kind of planning for this calibre of a trip. I just need to find that truck topper - does anyone know where I can get one?

I have to say that I am proud of him being strong and not spending money, proud of him for coming back and making me anticipate the upcoming Holiday, proud of him for being a great athelete, and proud of her for not skipping class, because you are going to find that it will get easier and easier to do it the four, six, eight, or ten years you get to spend in college. He also makes me proud, but you'd never know it by what he [doesn't] write.

Crazy, I had so much to say and I never even got to the things I thought I would write about yesterday evening. Oh well, se la vie. 'Til we meet again...

"Somewhere in America, it's late at night. And you're far from home, but you know everything's alright..."
:: Freddy F. at 10:41 AM [+] ::
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Staring down the barrel of four project due dates this week. Time to pay the piper for lazing around a week ago. Maybe I'll just enjoy Thanksgiving that much more. People should let me know if they be around - I'll be in town from the Tuesday night through the Sunday around Thanksgiving, leaving town sporadically for family obligations. I say, "Let's do the Dubliner!" or I say, "Let's do the Fox and the Hound on Tuesday night!" Yes, that is what I say.

I cut my hair Friday night. No biggie, right? Wrong. For me: biggie. It was pretty long, and oh so cold getting out of the shower in the mornings. But this time it wasn't just the razor and done, this was a $13 professional cut, tapered on the sides and "longishly-short" on top. What one could call a Onederboy cut. No skinhead, no mohawks, no crazy flat-top thing, just a normal haircut. Biazarre.

Also saw Memento on Friday night. Very interseting. I'd like to make someone watch it for the fist time by flipping through the chapters in a chronological order to see if the end result is the same, just sans the suprise. It definitely kept me guessing, especially the whole "who is the bad guy" thing. It had the "I was an insurance claims guy turned neural-synapse psycho" of Fight Club, and the "What the hell is going on? Are we watching the reality or the delusion" of Mulholland Drive.

Hmmm, someone drew a parallel between Liberalism and No Tyranny. Interesting. The very essence of leading a revolution pro-compromise is to compromise with those who are trying to quelch the revolution.

I spent fifteen hours in studio yesterday. It looks like I will spend another fifteen in there today and everyday this week. Aside from eating, sleeping, and working, that is where I will be. Fortunately, that's where the computer is, so I can keep you all informed about the current studio-ings. God, I hate GIS (pronounced: gee-eye-ess, not: gizz).

I hope none of my friends have this problem, despite the fact that we are the survey area. But really, who among us ought to be worrying about that right now.

I have removed ol' Bob Borden from my list of links. Without being judgemental (which is hard because I had to make a judgment to decide whether to keep the link there or not), I cannot live my life the way I do, and promote the life he writes about. A fine website, I'll just let someone else link to it. Too much like the late Erma Bombeck or my roommate.

That's enough for today.

"It's nothing like the Bible, there's no lesson to be learned. It ain't the Ten Commandments, 'cause nothin's written in stone. It has to do with freedom and personal liberty. I don't fuck with you, don't fuck with me..."

:: Freddy F. at 10:34 AM [+] ::
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Due to the proximity of the season, and because I am at work and feel like I have accomplished nothing despite having been here for two hours, my blog will be kept short, insightful, and pleasant today. Here goes:

Things that I am thankful for:
- Friends (that if I move thousands of miles away, instead of just hundreds, I will not forget to call).
- That I can still find heroes in my everyday life.
- Crazy daisies and "Fairytale of New York" (even if it's a remake),
- Anticipation.
- That I haven't read every book, seen every movie, or heard every CD that I want to.
- What other people can do with my mouse icon.
- That I have a near-future in Tacoma to look forward to.
- Sunny November days.

You have a good one.

" 'I could have been someone.'
'But so could anyone. You took my dreams from me, when I first found you.'
'I kept them within me. I put them with my own. Can't make it all alone - I built my dreams around you..."


:: Freddy F. at 11:54 AM [+] ::
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Ah, more frost, only this time on my windshield - I had best be getting a new ice scraper or I am going to be pretty late for work these days.

Yesterday was election day for one-half of the seats of government. I didn't really pay attention. I should, but I don't. I know that I should pay attention to these things so much, that just the fact that I don't pay attention makes me want to stop writing out of shame. But I won't stop writing, and I will tell you this: Kansas has elected a democratic governor. So maybe instead of all of our education money going into funding road construction and manufacturing, the money will stay in education. I just hope she doesn't turn out to be a big pussy like that Ben Nelson clown. But fear not, I may be an ignorant fool, but I am not a voting ignorant fool. My roommate says that if you don't know, then you should just vote for whomever your parents/family/friends are voting for - I say that is nuts, you shoudl leave the voting up to the informed public. Maybe that isn't as democratic, but at least it is elitism for a logical reason

Also yesterday was my big, fat, twenty-second birthday anniversary. I don't know what this means. I have been trying to downplay my birthday for a couple years now, trying not to think about it or get too excited about it. I'm not sure why - I just feel weird claiming attention for an entire day. But I would like to thank everyone who called me to wish me a "happy birthday" because it still means a lot to hear from you. And I'd like to double thank those of you who gave me presents, because you just can't beat 'Crazy-Daisies.' And I'd like to triple thank those of you who gave birth to me twenty-two years ago - that was just downright swell of you.

But now is just another day. And I'm pretty happy to be alive.

"Make a little birdhouse in your soul..."
:: Freddy F. at 11:52 AM [+] ::
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The first real, hard frost hit the ground last night. It was beautiful, everything covered with that thin layer of white, all the puddles capped with ice, everything smells so fresh and sterile. And then, as the sun pokes through the clouds and the frost begins to burn off, the trees begin to shed their leaves, so there is a constant rain of the yellows and the reds of the oaks and maples. There are few things that are better than walking through the piles of abscised leaves on the sidewalks that no one has walked through yet, and watching the first frost fade into dew as the sun gradually moves across the open spaces.

And on the exact opposite note, from Friday at 11pm to Sunday at 11pm I spent no less than 34 hours laying down wither sleeping or watching TV. And it rocked. Let's hear it for stacking up the due dates. But now there is work to be done. I've got to get this housing thing figured out. Does anyone have any ideas on how to move me 2000 miles for eight months? Flying is already out, but truck-toppers are always an option.

Here is the movie review of the week: Crooklyn: I haven't really seen very many of Spike Lee's movies, but he's one of those directors that I know I need to see more. I'd have to say I liked this movie about the same as Do the Right Thing, but for different reasons. DtRT was about being black, or being white, or being Korean and the move revolved around issues of skin color. Conversely, Crooklyn was about being in a family. Yes, the family was black, yes I could see their skin color, but Crooklyn gave me faith that Spike Lee is able to do movies about more than just racial injustice or unrest. And bonus kudos for the soundtrack.

Off to work.

"Ooh-ooh, child, things are gonna get easier... ooh-ooh, child, things'll get brighter..."
:: Freddy F. at 9:24 AM [+] ::
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Well, I hope everyone had a very happy and safe Halloween, and no one got poisoned or got hit by a car or anything. I, of course, spent my evening doing things that were very studio oriented, involving a pot luck dinner that included faculty and potential employers. It feels good to already have that job and not have to worry about impressing people, whihc puts me at the ease to just be myself and I usually come across as something better.

Here is the best part - I stand here at 4 pm on a Friday afternoon, with nothing to do over the weekend. No studio has been assigned yet, Construction is not due for 17 days, no planning to work on or anything. I need to enroll, but that is all. And let me tell you, that is a great feeling. There is something to be said for working on weekdays.

So I guess I don't have much else to put here. I hope everyone is staying healthy and working hard and getting their shit done. I am looking forward to coming back for thanksgiving in four weeks and seeing everyone again. Take care. Peace, out.

"These crazy days..."
:: Freddy F. at 5:22 PM [+] ::
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