:: The Blurst of Times ::

:: 10.25.2002 ::

Okay, so I've got a lot to go on today, let's see how much we get in before the Boss arrives.

First: I have a problem. I have several really, that lead to worse problems. Maybe they aren't as bad as his are, but they are bad. See, the first problem is I have terrible vision. Downright crummy. I can't really see this computer screen without some sort of assistance. So I wear corrective lenses. Secondly, I don't sleep a whole lot. This means that when three am rolls around and I'm turning out the light, I know I'll have to put my contacts in again in three hours or so, so it's really easy to say 'eh, I'll take them out tomorrow night.' This all leads to the problem of me wearing my contacts anywhere from four to ten days on end. This leads to a potentially dangerous problem of eye infections, so bad that the muscle that dialates the pupil cramps up and they won't dialate, thus allowing too much light in and making it very hard for me to open my eyes. The temorary fix is to not wear contacts for a bit while the eye recouperates. I do this then return to old habits and the infections also come back. This week I decided to permanently fix the problem - I would wear glasses until my eyes were "as white as driven snow." I hate wearing glasses because they get dirty, they bend, they distort vision, and they are just damn uncomfortable, but I was determined to wear them nonetheless. I wore them for three days before a classmate (whom I trust and respect) said they were terrible, that they were ridiculous and last fashionable many years ago. I hardly need to say that I was crushed. I true friend coming around and cracking you one like that can really cut deep. It hasn't determined whether I wear them or not and for the most part I have brushed it off and I really could care less what she thinks about them now, but at the moment I was reminded just how thin our skin can be.

But that was the worst of yeaterday. A better side of yesterday was awarding the prize of "Greatest Vote" to him, for telling me that he was busy taking care of business on Tuesday, even skipping a dinner with an award winning author of one of my favorite reads. Way to go, dude. I hope your efforts will pay off soon and you get a little R&R time.

I think yesterday was a pretty egocentric day on my part. Not only was my ego inflated by the words and praise of others, I did a little ego pumping of my own. And I got to thinking about how judgemental I can be. I try not to be. For the last six or seven months I have tried to make a conscious effort accept people for who they are and if I have a problem with it, it is just that: my problem. I have role models that I follow, people who seem to not have the need or even desire to meddle in the affairs of others - I put myself in company with these people adn try to ignore the others. It comes back to me anyhow, because I think a lot of people around me can be slanderous and I will be the first to admit that I take part in the backstabbing as well. I feel that it is too vain to hope that my insecurity-based arrogance has not cost me friendships, but I will look forward with this problem. From here on out: I won't judge people based on my own personal values (and sometimes double standards). I hope that by constant repetition of the idea that "I will not judge others," that I will reallly stop judging people, especially based on my own egocentric, self-promoting standards.

That was an emotionally exhausting paragraph, that took much longer to write than read. Maybe I'll hit you back later.

"It sucks me in when you're aloof. It sucks me in, it sucks it works, I guess it's cool to be alone..."
:: Freddy F. at 9:52 AM [+] ::